Counterfeit West High School Presents:
This production was made possible by Director, Sherry Johnson, who definitely needs a drink when this shit show is over, so buckle in. A big thanks to the CW theatre moms who totally didn’t volunteer for the sole purpose that their child gets a lead in next year’s musical. Stop by the bake sale during intermission!
Sarah Beaver: Sandy
As a senior at CWHS, Sarah is thrilled to be the lead, Sandy, in her final stage production. She’s friends with the director on facebook and is also a distant relative. Sarah cannot hit any high notes, yet she will still try, so we advise you to take a bathroom break during Hopelessly Devoted. Sarah will probably get married within the next three years, and doesn’t want to face the fact that it’s all downhill from here. She hopes you enjoy the show!
Chad Michaels: Danny Zuko
Chad is a sophomore at CWHS, and auditioned for extra credit. He’s upset for two reasons: 1) His girlfriend is pissed that he has to stage kiss Sarah. 2) His boys on the baseball team will roast him for eternity after this. He’s nervous and really really hopes he doesn’t accidentally get a boner onstage. His dad is not in the audience, but his mother is definitely recording this. Here’s a quote from Chad to leave the audience with before the show: “Kelly, I’m really sorry.”
Kelly Dicksmasher: the character with pigtails
Kelly is a sophomore. Whatever, you get it, anyways, she wants to say: WHAT THE F*CK CHAD? YOU COULD’VE JUST ASKED MRS. JOHNSON NOT TO STAGE KISS SARAH BEAVER. THIS IS TOTAL BULLSH*T. YOU DON’T EVEN LOVE ME, DO YOU? FIRST XANDER NITZELPICE HELD HANDS WITH ANOTHER GIRL BEHIND MY BACK, NOW THIS? GOOD LUCK FINDING A DATE TO HOMECOMING, BACKSTABBER.
Todd Hirschorn: Kenickie
Todd is. (Deep Breath in) Getting through this. He’s still trying to cope with the fact that random whitey lacrosse boy with ZERO theatre experience walks in and snatches the lead? No, no sister. Todd holds his breath and pictures Shawn Mendes every time he has to stage kiss Cheyenne. He will be the star theatre boy of the local community college for the next three years, and then switch his major to communications.
A quick message from Chad: he wants Todd to know that it’s actually Baseball, not Lacrosse.
UPCOMING CWHS DRAMA & ARTS EVENTS
Spring Choir Concert: Don’t go. Sarah has a solo
Student-written Play Night: They’re all half plagiarized and poorly directed
Band Camp Registration Night: Someone WILL get pregnant
Senior Song Night: There’s a 100% chance of two girls singing a duet cover of “For Good” from Wicked.
WE HOPE YOU ENJOY THE SHOW