Inside Small-Town Tennessee’s Child Pageant Headquarters

Buckle in for the inside scoop to the beauty queen prepping process! What’s the magical secret to making these seven year old children look like Nicole Richie’s voodoo doll army? Let’s dive right in.

Let’s start with the foundation, the basics. The tan, sun-kissed glow is vital to winning trophies for these youngsters. So, every hour hired interns are paid to scrape the bronzy dust off of hot cheetos and doritos. The remains are added to the “little goddess dunk-buckets” and you guessed it! The children are dunked. Here we have little Anne Marie, taking in that beautiful glow right now. How are you feeling, Anne Marie?

Its stinging! I think I’m awwergic, wady, pwease hewp me–

How cute! Little Anne Marie! Next up, it’s hair time. This next room is designated specifically for extensions, curls and smiles! Here, we have the famous French stylist, Jean-Revatio. How do help these girls achieve perfect locks for the pageant on such a short budget, Jean-Revatio?

Budget cuts… zey have not been easy, see. But ze process, it is simple. We hand scissors to ze gals, along vith zeir beloved, how you say, american girl dolls, and we say, chop chop! No more pretty bangs on zee dolly, zey belong to you now.

Oh. There’s no better way to provide extensions?

Not if zey want to lose ze pageant and waste all of mommy’s money.

That checks out. Moving on, we’re going to take a gander at the runway. As stated before, money is tight here. So, with that stated, the runway is compiled of cardboard slats and boxes. There have been many complaints, and even more sprained ankles. Taking a look at this box in particular, it appears to be moving! I’m confused! Oh, would you look at that. There’s a man insi–

Who’s waking me up from ma nap? I paid rent on this here box, and you millenials had to go ahead and tow it.

Good luck with that, I’m leaving. And now, a producer is approaching me! Hi, sir! What? Why are you whispering? Oh… Okay. Understood.  

Well, folks, I have just been paid a time share in Honolulu sized amount of hush money to stop all continuation of the production of this documentary. Thanks for watching! Don’t forget to tune in next week on, “Sashes and Sales: Girl Scouts taking over Compton”

 

How to be the Worst Vegan in the Universe

~A step by step guide on how to screw up this lifestyle entirely ~

Live on sugary snacks

Now, to be a terrible vegan, you have to get most of your calories from nature valley bars, medium fries, taco bell cinnamon twists, and oreos. Vegetables exist, yes, but are they important? I just laughed. Vegetables who? What is that, if someone could comment below and let me know, I’d appreciate it. Am I even pronouncing that right? Velcro tables?

Don’t eat!

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Okay. So you’re out with the gals. Alyssa just ordered a jumbo cheese pizza for the table, and Tiffany already had the check split. You could’ve packed a quinoa salad beforehand, checked the menu for vegan items before agreeing to go out, or dropped that piece of shit friend group in the first place–but that’s crazy! Just. Don’t. Eat! Hunger is an emotion! Just don’t feel it, silly! They can chow down on the cheese pizza that you’re partially paying for, just play Words With Friends or something, I don’t know, why did you agree to go to a LOU MALNATI’S.

Make everyone feel bad

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Announce that you’re vegan everywhere you go. You’re making a bank deposit? The teller looks stressed and there’s a long line? This is the perfect time to give insight into your new vegan lifestyle. Tell her about how much weight you lost. Tell her about how it would help her a lot to make the change. Oh, your cousin just announced that he’s going vegetarian? EYE ROLL. Way to half-ass it, Robert. The true heroes aren’t mouth-harassing a triple decker stack of buttermilk pancakes and cheesy garlic bread. I can’t even look at you.

Cheat days!

Yes, ladies. Every Friday during a full moon, we ride into the woods on horses. There, we are greeted by both Ben and Jerry, dousing us in fountains of chocolate swirl rocky road. We crack eggs on each others heads while swimming in the fro-yo whirlpool. Suddenly, the ground rumbles. The soil begins to break up and a giant statue emerges from the beneath. It is Paula Deen. Butter blasts out from her eyelids, her nose, HER HAIR!? PEOPLE ARE DROWNING HELP PEOPLE ARE DY–

Stick with your trusty recipes!

Don’t switch things up with your meal planning. Change is scary! Eat dry spaghetti for seven days in a row. The soy milk is expired? Too bad, Sharon. Drink it. New recipes are for communists. Eat what’s in your pantry and fridge, and change nothing. If you run out of stuff, well, that’s why we have trees.

Well, there you have it! If you sufficiently follow these steps, congrats! You will be a terrible vegan, and everyone will want you to stop. If you do the exact opposite of these steps, you’re on a good path, I promise. 

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