Inside Small-Town Tennessee’s Child Pageant Headquarters

Buckle in for the inside scoop to the beauty queen prepping process! What’s the magical secret to making these seven year old children look like Nicole Richie’s voodoo doll army? Let’s dive right in.

Let’s start with the foundation, the basics. The tan, sun-kissed glow is vital to winning trophies for these youngsters. So, every hour hired interns are paid to scrape the bronzy dust off of hot cheetos and doritos. The remains are added to the “little goddess dunk-buckets” and you guessed it! The children are dunked. Here we have little Anne Marie, taking in that beautiful glow right now. How are you feeling, Anne Marie?

Its stinging! I think I’m awwergic, wady, pwease hewp me–

How cute! Little Anne Marie! Next up, it’s hair time. This next room is designated specifically for extensions, curls and smiles! Here, we have the famous French stylist, Jean-Revatio. How do help these girls achieve perfect locks for the pageant on such a short budget, Jean-Revatio?

Budget cuts… zey have not been easy, see. But ze process, it is simple. We hand scissors to ze gals, along vith zeir beloved, how you say, american girl dolls, and we say, chop chop! No more pretty bangs on zee dolly, zey belong to you now.

Oh. There’s no better way to provide extensions?

Not if zey want to lose ze pageant and waste all of mommy’s money.

That checks out. Moving on, we’re going to take a gander at the runway. As stated before, money is tight here. So, with that stated, the runway is compiled of cardboard slats and boxes. There have been many complaints, and even more sprained ankles. Taking a look at this box in particular, it appears to be moving! I’m confused! Oh, would you look at that. There’s a man insi–

Who’s waking me up from ma nap? I paid rent on this here box, and you millenials had to go ahead and tow it.

Good luck with that, I’m leaving. And now, a producer is approaching me! Hi, sir! What? Why are you whispering? Oh… Okay. Understood.  

Well, folks, I have just been paid a time share in Honolulu sized amount of hush money to stop all continuation of the production of this documentary. Thanks for watching! Don’t forget to tune in next week on, “Sashes and Sales: Girl Scouts taking over Compton”

 

The Forensic Queen of Dollhouse Murder: Frances Glessner Lee

How does one take a cutesy, child’s toy and combine it with something as gruesome as homicide, and wind up being one of the biggest names in forensic history? Frances Glessner Lee would have the answer for you.

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Stealing murder stories straight out of real events in her current time, Lee constructed each nightmarish crime scene as a room in a dollhouse, without a single detail missing. These replicas were considered to be some of the most helpful creations for crime detectives in training at the time, especially considering that there was little practical, useful guidance before it.

 Because she couldn’t go to college, Lee became an expert in the field of forensics by studying on her own time. A plague of unsolved murders and bungled evidence were seen in the 30’s-40’s with detectives at the time. Seeing this as a solvable problem, Lee found a way to use domestic skills like stitching, knitting, painting, etc. to perfectly replicate different murder cases that could eventually be used as training exercises for crime investigators. She paved her way to success with a deep expertise for detective and forensic work as well as a little bit of arts and crafts.  She eventually became the first female police captain in the country. 

Eighteen of the twenty  “Nutshell Studies of Unexplained Death,” are still in use for forensics students today, which is why the solutions to them are kept secret. What’s most amazing is the impeccable detail Lee incorporated into the crime scenes. She had each one accurately depicted down to the labels on the jars in the cabinets and headlines on the newspapers. 

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Here’s the Judson family, also known as the “Three-room-dwelling nutshell”. Their description is as follows: 

“Robert Judson, a foreman in a shoe factory, his wife, Kate Judson, and their baby, Linda Mae Judson, were discovered dead by Paul Abbott, a neighbor. Mr. Abbott was questioned and gave the following statement: Bob Judson and he drove to their work together, alternating cars. This was Abbott’s week to drive. On Monday morning, November 1, he was late—about 7:35 a.m.—so, when blowing his horn didn’t bring Judson out, Abbott went to the factory without him, believing Judson would come in his own car.”

Sarah Abbott, Paul Abbott’s wife, was also questioned and gave the following statement:

After Paul had left, she watched for Bob to come out. Finally, about 8:15 a.m., seeing no signs of activity at the Judson house, she went over to their porch and tried the front door, but it was locked and she knocked and called but got no answer. She then went to the kitchen porch, but that door was also locked. She looked in through the glass, and then, thoroughly aroused by the sight of the gun and blood, she ran home and notified the police.”

The answer is under lock and key, but many investigators in-training have learned to crack the case in 90 minutes or less during these nutshell tests.

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Pink Bathroom, March 31st, 1942

“Rose Fishman was found dead after days of lying on the floor. A janitor knocked on the door, it was jammed open, he went around to the fire escape to get into the bathroom through the unlocked window. The police were not able to determine for sure if she hung herself or someone murdered her and escaped through the window.”

Because of these “nutshell” 3D models, forensics was forever altered. Although these are mostly seen for their scientific value, Frances Lee Glessner’s artistic detail and designs are extremely skilled, precise and should not go unnoticed. These models could be in an art or science museum and still hold value to both. Lee is an icon of forensic science and a truly impressive, fascinating mind. 

-Happy Halloween, everyone.

 

What I’ve Learned from Working with Kids

Living in a fast-paced, adult world distracts me from the simpler things sometimes. I’m typically pulled back to the ground though when I walk into work, and supervise kids, often observing the mindless, silly things they do and say. I’m not going into a career field of teaching or any professional job working with kids, it’s just a temporary job I have right now. But I picked up on a few funny patterns.

1) They think you’re way older than you actually are

And it’s hilarious. Kids suck at guessing ages. I’m eighteen. I started working with kids when I was sixteen. Between that time, these children thought I was married and in my late 20’s. Like Jesus, I’d hope not. Meanwhile, they get upset when I accidentally call them seven instead of eight.

2) There’s drama in every age group

Kids fight over who has the prettier Communion dress in second grade and talk smack about other classmates on snapchat in eighth grade. Of course, it’s usually the little kids who have more emotional recounts of drama. One time, a six year old girl accidentally took a crayon that belonged to her friend when they were coloring. She felt so bad about it and started crying. When something goes wrong as a kid, it is in fact, THE END OF THE WORLD.

3) They hate their younger siblings

I think that it’s just a universal thing growing up, to despise your younger siblings. I always used to want to hang with my older brother, but he couldn’t be more annoyed with me. And I felt the same annoyance towards my younger brother. Same thing today. The older siblings at daycare will have their own social groups, busy themselves in conversations about The Emoji Movie and dabbing (I cringe every day). Their younger siblings complain that they can’t hang out with the “big” kids, because their older brother or sister “totally hates their guts.” But that ongoing rivalry dies eventually. I think.

4) Bragging is never subtle

We were going through prayer intentions once, and a little girl asked for everyone to “pray for her safe trip to go see disney on ice.” (Mind you, this is a 20 minute drive) It’s funny to see how little kids have a grasp on dropping hints about things. The best is when they get into “who’s mom is the best” arguments.

5) Grown ups have all the answers, always 

They think adults have all the solutions, and one day you just grow up and suddenly “know everything”. A kid asked me to multiple 522 and 47, and I obviously couldn’t get it off the top of my head, so I used a calculator. They were completely shocked that I didn’t just know the answer. But it’s funny, because when you’re a kid, you think adults have all the answers, and then you become one and you realize how well all the adults were bullshitting it while you were a kid.

6) They just want to have fun

They just want to run around and clothesline other kids at recess, jump rope, race their friends, play hide and seek, kickball, dance-offs, charades, they don’t care. They wait long hours through the school day just to run around and be way too hyper for a while. And I wish life was still that simple.

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