The Ridiculous Genius of Co-star

Astrology has tip-toed its way into online, youth culture. It’s seen in social media trends, twitter feeds, and entire instagram accounts devoted to making memes and commentary on “how crazy geminis are!” or “what kind of hobbies libras enjoy in their free time.” There’s no doubt that it’s become more mainstream. 

Well, I’m not big into astrology. It’s fun to discuss the stereotypes of certain signs and see where they prove to be true, but honestly, I don’t think astrology has any correlation to who I am as a person. The fact that I’m a ‘taurus’ doesn’t mean much to me, other than signifying I was born in early May. 

However, even though I doubt its legitimacy, my friends roped me into downloading the app ‘co-star.’ You may have heard of it–being a social media zodiac center that people can download and view personalized, daily updates. I just laughed at it when I first downloaded it, followed a few friends, and barely looked into it any further. Most people see it as a meme, especially with how blatant some of the push notifications are. Even some of them I’ve received so far have been… laughable. 

“Nobody cares how many books you’ve read.”

“Enough alone time. Get out of the house.”

“Silence your ego today.”

Day after day, for a while now, I’ve received a new notification, attempting to find exactly what my spirit needs for the moment. (And yes, some of the notifications sound a lot like my mom.)  I’ve realized that although some of them are silly and unrelated to anything I’m experiencing, none of them are… bad. 

Although astrology doesn’t mean much to me, the words of advice, encouragement, and honesty from this dumb little app have made me feel more self-aware and positive. One morning I woke up to it telling me, “Phone a friend today.” I stared at it and thought, “Nah, I have an exciting day, I don’t think I’ll need that.” Well, whoop dee doo, I wound up crying in a Target parking lot that night, finding myself very much in need of a phone call with a friend. Co-star, you sly bastard. 

So, even if I’m an astrology atheist, a little more positivity, pushiness, and honesty from a computerized, trendy app can still be a very good thing for me, and for a lot of others as well. Who’s to say how long this trendy zodiac app will last? I couldn’t tell you, but I’ll enjoy it (and sometimes laugh at it) while it’s here. 

One Second Each Day

I came across this really interesting idea a few years ago–taking a short, one-second long video of each day for a year, and compiling them up and seeing how your year turned out. I tried doing this for 2018, but I unfortunately ran short of storage on my phone.

But this year, I gave into the society-consuming monopoly that is Apple, and bought more storage. I began filming everyday starting January first, and have been consistent everyday since.

And so far, I must say, 2019 has given me many bad days. Many things I don’t want to film. Many breakdowns, stressful nights, and issue upon issue. So, I found that the days I go out with my friends or party much easier to find the perfect second to film, but the days I feel empty are so much harder.

But, some good came out of these empty days. Because yes, things have been hard. Specific days have been huge struggles. But, this little video project essentially forces me to find one good thing about that day. So, I got a scholarship rejection letter. I cried, and then I found a really pretty sunset to look at. I stayed up for hours working on a midterm essay, and I filmed a really cute baby pitbull hanging out the window of someone’s car. Searching for the right ‘second a day’ has given me a reason to look for the good, the magic, the life in everyday.

I also had a tendency to search for ‘perfect’ things to film. My makeup had to be flawless, or it had to be a cool video of all of my friends, or a new, exciting thing that I’m doing everyday. But that’s not EVERYDAY. Everyday is normal things. Colorful pens I organized on my desk, coffee in my car cup holder that I made while I was running late for class, or just normal everyday things that don’t have to be perfect.

So, even if it’s hard to, take a second to find the good part of your day. I promise, it’s worth it.

 

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Comedians that Dominated their Decade 1920’s-now

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1920’s : Buster Keaton: Known for his physical, slapstick antics, Buster Keaton was the ‘stone-face’ of comedy in the new platform of film. He’s famous for seemingly impossible gags, establishing a new territory of comedy in his era. You can’t take a film class without hearing his name. He’s known for his feature films like The General and Steamboat Bill Jr.

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1930’s: Charlie Chaplin: Relying heavily on pantomime and eccentric, quirky movements to convey humor, Chaplin paved the way for experimental techniques in comedy films. He’s known for his works like Modern Times, and The Great Dictator. (Side-note: he’s also infamous for his scandalous life outside of film.)

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1940’s: Bing Crosby: Known for his life in comedy motion pictures, as well as music, Crosby took the entertainment industry by storm in his era. He’s known for many comedic films like Going My Way and Road to Bali, especially when he was starring on the silver screen with classic comedian, Bob Hope.

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1950’s: Jerry Lewis: As the Paramount comedy star, and former duo member with Dean Martin, Lewis was a thriving entertainer of the 1950’s and beyond. Creating and starring in a plethora of comedy films, as well as being known for his quick improvisational humor on The Martin and Lewis Show on the radio, Lewis seemed unstoppable in his career endeavors. He went on to pursue a solo career, and later directed many films like The Bellboy and The Ladies Man.

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1960’s Joan Rivers: One of, or if not the most famous female comedian of all time, Joan Rivers was outspoken, fearless, and hilarious in her glory days of comedy. She pioneered comedy for females, as she was the first female late night television host and paved the way for stand up, igniting laughter with shocking comedy, insults, and witty observation.

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1970’s Rodney Dangerfield: Known as one of the greatest names in comedy, Dangerfield has mastered film, stand up, and simply being a hilarious person all around. If you’ve ever heard the phrase ‘I don’t get no respect!,’ you know who to thank. With stand up specials, No Respect and Back to School, and classic comedy films like Caddyshack and Easy Money, and hundreds of witty one-liners, it’s easy to see how Dangerfield rose to the top.

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1980’s: Robin Williams: Ah, the man himself, whom we all miss dearly. Williams’ comedic talents of improvisation, mastering impressions and voices, televised comedy and classic comedy films, is famously loved by many. Appealing to practically any audience, his legacy of comedy wins him a place as one of the greatest. Need there be a further explanation? 

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1990’s: Jerry Seinfeld: What is the deal with him? Inventing the best of sitcom comedy, Jerry Seinfeld is quite literally known as the ‘king of comedy’ by many. Exuding confidence, wit, and an expertise knowledge of humor, he’s the creator of one of the most famous, long-running comedy series. His stand-up specials and screenwriting skills have made him one of the biggest names in comedy. 

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2000’s: Dave Chappelle: Relaxed, philosophical, clever and brilliantly hilarious–Chappelle takes on broad topics in stand up from politics to sex and drugs, and many more. Creating the Chappelle Show, Half-Baked, and The Dave Chappelle Project as well as hilarious stand-up specials like For What It’s Worth, and Killin’ Them Softly. He’s known by many as one of the greatest names in the history of comedy.

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2010’s: John Mulaney: Taking the comedy scene by storm, Mulaney has created three successful stand-up specials (New in Town, The Comeback Kid, and Kid Gorgeous) undertook years writing for SNL, and co-created a new type of cartoon comedy on TV animation, Big Mouth. His aura of gentle, story-telling politeness is part of what ropes each audience in to roaring laughter. His talent in sketch comedy, self-deprecating nature, and surreal humor, are all what make him one of the current top names in comedy today.

 

 

 

An Angry Letter: Baby Boomer Edition

Dear Costco Customer Services and Management,

I’m writing today because I am extremely upset by the terrible service I received by one of your staff members earlier this afternoon.

The young, barely 17 year old cashier will rot in eternal hell for not providing me every damn thing I need. I was SIMPLY trying to make a purchase of 43 items, and return 56 items. When I tried to return the Aveeno lotion that I had used to its full proximity, the cashier, and I still cannot believe this, said ‘no.’ What, like a seventeen year old snowflake is going to tell me no? I don’t think so. So what’s mama’s next move? Calling the manager.

The manager came over, looked at the lotion and said that it “could not be returned whatsoever.” So, after screaming at the top of my lungs and waving my jiggly arms in their faces for a good ten minutes, I calmly settled and had the rest of my items sold.

As I tapped my poorly molded french manicured acrylics on the counter, I watched as coupon upon coupon scanned through the register. Then suddenly one coupon wouldn’t go through, as it was “not a Costco coupon, this is for TJ Maxx, ma’am.” Mmm, trying to play me as a fool? Not today, you’re not. I demanded for it to be put through at top volume, as the tiny, fragile cashier tried to search for a similar coupon online. Forget it.

Then came along my final attempt at bargaining. There was only one of my size of the fringed navy cardigan left and it had a small piece of fuzz on it. That’s right, you guessed it, say it with me ladies, “damage discount!” So as I pleaded my case, that it was clearly obscene for a microscopic sized fuzzball to be stuck onto the sweater I wanted so dearly, they said that there was “nothing they could do.” Truly sickening.

So, I ended off my purchase by telling the cashier that she has no future, no skills, and can’t do the easiest job on the planet. She started crying, which I did feel a little bad for, but that will just toughen her up. Teenagers these days, huh? Such pansies. Anyways. I’m writing to ask for a free lifetime membership to Costco after this incident, as I very much deserve one. If I don’t get one, this is not the last letter you will be receiving from me.

Warm Regards,

Your Least Favorite Baby Boomer

 

Chicago’s Hottest Attractions

Here’s your official travel guide for the Spring/summer time in Chicago! New York City has Stefon to point out all the hottest clubs for the season. However, for all of you Chicagoan thrill-seekers, there are some unmissable activities to indulge in this upcoming season in Chicago, let’s dive in.

Paint n Sip

Location: Underneath Navy Pier

Chicago’s newest Paint and Sip is going to be more crowded than Forever 21’s dressing rooms on Black Friday. You want a quirky, fun activity for the summer? Look no further. At this noteworthy paint n sip, you will experience three full hours of the property brothers screaming at you to paint faster. You can impress your significant other with their three painting templates: Prom Night with Robocop, The Contents of 2012 Amanda Bynes’s Handbag, and The Bottom Half of Mona Lisa. It should be noted that the “sip” isn’t actually wine, but replaced with ‘Artist Juice’ also known as, a warm Pepsi Max mixed with Sobe Life Water. It will be an unforgettable experience.

Upcoming Summer Instagram Museum: Codswallop

Location: Inside the Bean

This spectacular, unique instagram playground is only here for a limited time. It welcomes visitors from 03/26/19 1:52 AM to 3/26/19 1:54 AM. It’s exclusivity is what makes it inviting to all true VIP photographers and instagram models in the Chicagoland area. Take pictures with its special features such as: the small army of Macaulay Culkin wax figures, a rainbow projection of Angelina Jolie’s forehead vein, and Vietnamese child gymnasts balancing on roombas.

Debris Art Museum

Location: See below for special instructions

We see beautiful works of art in places like The Louvre or The Prado. However, an entirely new concept has been introduced to the world of museums: garbage. Observe and think deeply whilst gazing into piles of empty Powerade bottles, torn up letters of desperation from cheating ex husbands, or business clothes from the 90’s that were too gross for Goodwill. See their online site for booking a guided tour, where the tourist will speak only in clicks and whispers. The best part and quite frankly, the uniqueness of this place is that each visitor can contribute as there are no trash cans. Just leave your pizza-stained napkins. It becomes art.

Special instructions: Stand near the left most copper lion in front of the Art Institute and begin shouting the lyrics to the Pretty Little Liars theme song. Soon, a teenage boy cosplaying as Ellen Degeneres will tap you on the shoulder twice. Follow this boy. He will take you.

 

‘The Squabble’ Coffee Shop

Location: Everywhere.

For all you indie, niche, quirky hipsters, we have the perfect coffee shop for you to pretend to study at. There’s live performances of slam poetry–they find the nearest protests and just grab a random protestor and pull them up onstage. The coffee is delicious, served iced, hot, as a frappe, or as a solid. (And in the long, treacherous hours researching this menu, we still have no idea what that last one means). In the basement of the coffee shop, there’s a caged boxing ring with volunteer boxers from the Sunshine Hills Senior Citizen Residence. So the next time you’re thinking of dropping by a Starbucks, think again.

Support your local businesses!

Disclaimer: literally none of these exist

Inside Small-Town Tennessee’s Child Pageant Headquarters

Buckle in for the inside scoop to the beauty queen prepping process! What’s the magical secret to making these seven year old children look like Nicole Richie’s voodoo doll army? Let’s dive right in.

Let’s start with the foundation, the basics. The tan, sun-kissed glow is vital to winning trophies for these youngsters. So, every hour hired interns are paid to scrape the bronzy dust off of hot cheetos and doritos. The remains are added to the “little goddess dunk-buckets” and you guessed it! The children are dunked. Here we have little Anne Marie, taking in that beautiful glow right now. How are you feeling, Anne Marie?

Its stinging! I think I’m awwergic, wady, pwease hewp me–

How cute! Little Anne Marie! Next up, it’s hair time. This next room is designated specifically for extensions, curls and smiles! Here, we have the famous French stylist, Jean-Revatio. How do help these girls achieve perfect locks for the pageant on such a short budget, Jean-Revatio?

Budget cuts… zey have not been easy, see. But ze process, it is simple. We hand scissors to ze gals, along vith zeir beloved, how you say, american girl dolls, and we say, chop chop! No more pretty bangs on zee dolly, zey belong to you now.

Oh. There’s no better way to provide extensions?

Not if zey want to lose ze pageant and waste all of mommy’s money.

That checks out. Moving on, we’re going to take a gander at the runway. As stated before, money is tight here. So, with that stated, the runway is compiled of cardboard slats and boxes. There have been many complaints, and even more sprained ankles. Taking a look at this box in particular, it appears to be moving! I’m confused! Oh, would you look at that. There’s a man insi–

Who’s waking me up from ma nap? I paid rent on this here box, and you millenials had to go ahead and tow it.

Good luck with that, I’m leaving. And now, a producer is approaching me! Hi, sir! What? Why are you whispering? Oh… Okay. Understood.  

Well, folks, I have just been paid a time share in Honolulu sized amount of hush money to stop all continuation of the production of this documentary. Thanks for watching! Don’t forget to tune in next week on, “Sashes and Sales: Girl Scouts taking over Compton”

 

How to be the Worst Vegan in the Universe

~A step by step guide on how to screw up this lifestyle entirely ~

Live on sugary snacks

Now, to be a terrible vegan, you have to get most of your calories from nature valley bars, medium fries, taco bell cinnamon twists, and oreos. Vegetables exist, yes, but are they important? I just laughed. Vegetables who? What is that, if someone could comment below and let me know, I’d appreciate it. Am I even pronouncing that right? Velcro tables?

Don’t eat!

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Okay. So you’re out with the gals. Alyssa just ordered a jumbo cheese pizza for the table, and Tiffany already had the check split. You could’ve packed a quinoa salad beforehand, checked the menu for vegan items before agreeing to go out, or dropped that piece of shit friend group in the first place–but that’s crazy! Just. Don’t. Eat! Hunger is an emotion! Just don’t feel it, silly! They can chow down on the cheese pizza that you’re partially paying for, just play Words With Friends or something, I don’t know, why did you agree to go to a LOU MALNATI’S.

Make everyone feel bad

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Announce that you’re vegan everywhere you go. You’re making a bank deposit? The teller looks stressed and there’s a long line? This is the perfect time to give insight into your new vegan lifestyle. Tell her about how much weight you lost. Tell her about how it would help her a lot to make the change. Oh, your cousin just announced that he’s going vegetarian? EYE ROLL. Way to half-ass it, Robert. The true heroes aren’t mouth-harassing a triple decker stack of buttermilk pancakes and cheesy garlic bread. I can’t even look at you.

Cheat days!

Yes, ladies. Every Friday during a full moon, we ride into the woods on horses. There, we are greeted by both Ben and Jerry, dousing us in fountains of chocolate swirl rocky road. We crack eggs on each others heads while swimming in the fro-yo whirlpool. Suddenly, the ground rumbles. The soil begins to break up and a giant statue emerges from the beneath. It is Paula Deen. Butter blasts out from her eyelids, her nose, HER HAIR!? PEOPLE ARE DROWNING HELP PEOPLE ARE DY–

Stick with your trusty recipes!

Don’t switch things up with your meal planning. Change is scary! Eat dry spaghetti for seven days in a row. The soy milk is expired? Too bad, Sharon. Drink it. New recipes are for communists. Eat what’s in your pantry and fridge, and change nothing. If you run out of stuff, well, that’s why we have trees.

Well, there you have it! If you sufficiently follow these steps, congrats! You will be a terrible vegan, and everyone will want you to stop. If you do the exact opposite of these steps, you’re on a good path, I promise. 

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