How to: Afford College the Wrong Way

Alright. So we all know college is exactly three million dollars per person nowadays and it’s rare to find a student who isn’t struggling with debt. Here are a few very real tips to find money for college that have been proven by scientists to work. Let’s dive right in.

Pretend to be a girl scout

This is perfect timing–it’s scout season. If you’re a boy, no worries. You can simply pretend to be an eagle scout and sell that popcorn, baby. Take the orders, take the money, and drive it all the way to Harvard yard. I mean, who really cares if you’re suspiciously not a child?

Become a Hitman

Illegal? Possibly. Efficient? 100%. Take up self defense courses and invest in medieval weaponry. Finding willing customers is simple. If you see an annoying customer complain to a store employee, approach the store employee for business. This can also apply for step-fathers, in-laws, PE teachers, and any employee at a DMV. You’ll be killing all day, and cashing in all night.

Encourage your friends with new credit cards to capture the moment by posting facebook pictures.

And you’ll be the first to disappoint them.

Perform Street Shows

You don’t have to be into drama and arts to do this. Pick something you’re good at and perform it in front of a crowd. Maybe it’s accounting and finance. Screw the subway guitar players–display your budget skills on a large binder for crowds of people to see.

Figure out a FAFSA employee’s Grindr password

Blackmail, blackmail, blackmail! Trusty and effective.

Follow these steps, and you will make money for college the very wrong way, good luck!

February 25, 2019 0

Chronicles of a Caddy: How True “Caddyshack” Portrays the Experience

I caddied for five years at a wealthy, prestigious country club. I’ve picked up a lot of life experience, as well as some golf tips (don’t get me wrong, I’m still garbage at it). The movie Caddyshack is equally timeless as it is hilariously brilliant, and I find myself relating to a lot of it. Harold Ramis, Douglas Kenney and Brian Doyle-Murray began writing this movie by basing it off of true events from personal experiences as

Musical golf bags do exist, and they’re just as obnoxious as you think

In the movie, the character Al Czervik is a zany golfer with a loud, music-blasting golf bag that’s lugged around on the caddy’s shoulder. Fun as it would seem, the sad fact is that any music played is rich old white dude music, which isn’t good at all. This excludes any bops, bangers, or jams. When I came across this experience, I had absolutely no idea how to shut the music off, and was compensated far too little for the ear torture.

The “caddy scholarship” consistently referenced in the movie actually exists

Also known as the Chick Evans Scholarship, it was founded by Charles E. Jr. or “Chick” in 1930. It’s a full ride scholarship, offering tuition and free housing at a list of state schools, mostly in the Midwest region. And damn, is it sweet.

The life advice is real

While there are always golfers that prefer not to converse and simply focus on the game, I’ll find that a good amount of people will relate what they’ve learned about college, jobs, people, and life in general to what my future plans are. After all, if they’ve obtained a pricey membership at such an upscale place, and have found success in their field. Why wouldn’t their advice be worth taking?

The ass-kissing is also real

Whether it’s co-workers in an outing with their boss, or a caddy that wants to be promoted, there are always the brown-noses (another term consistently referenced in the movie) Many work/business opportunities are on the line, and people try to fight their way to them. It’s interesting to watch.

Serious cash is tossed around like it’s nothing

Again, the country club I worked at is extremely upscale. I’d see these golfers making bets on a putt for more than my monthly tuition payments. They throw around money like it’s not a problem, because for most of them, it isn’t. The only scary part of this equation, is when they would ask me to read a putt that’s worth 2-3,000 dollars. No thank you, sir.

The caddy masters/ owners won’t take your crap

They’ve got people to impress and–no– they don’t have time to pay you right now so hang on a damn second. If you fall out of line, they won’t be nice to you. One time, my boss went off on a caddy for ten minutes because he had his feet propped up on a chair in the caddyshack. (Not the friendliest person) When it comes to rules, it’s pretty much “put up and shut up.”

The “spoiled children” of members stereotype is hilarious

There’s a program where caddies keep score for the children of members while they play a shortened round of golf. Don’t get me wrong, most of the kids are polite and fun. But occasionally, there’s a child who just wants to go home, hates everything about golf, and WILL make everyone around them pay for it.

My years as a caddy have been eventful to say the least. It’s not an easy job, and never short of any chaos. It’s taught me a lot about life. I had my last loop a few months ago. So naturally, I blasted Kenny Loggin’s “I’m Alright” as I drove off, waving to the guard at the exit for the last time. Ironically enough, my little brother just began caddying. What’s his name? Danny.

February 23, 2019 0

Trump’s Morning Routine

The exhausted Washington sun shines on a dreary Washington morning. After awakening in a bed right by the love of his life, Donald professes his gratitude.

“Oh, beautiful mirror,” he says dreamily, “Look at us. You and I? We’re going to do great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great–”

Twenty minutes pass.

“Great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, GREAT things today. Also, has anyone brought me my three egg mcmuffins and eight hashed browns yet? No? I don’t see it. This is an atrocity! Money is time, people.”

After tweeting angrily about his late breakfast, Donald rocks back and forth six times before being able to sit up properly. Without a single speck of shame, he trudges to his bathroom.

“Now, it’s time to brush the pearly whites! And as everyone knows, white is the most superior color.”

He pushes out the toothpaste onto his brush, a liquified version of Paul Ryan, people clapping when the airplane lands, and Tommy Bahama cologne. The toothpaste is glaringly, painfully white. He looks proudly in the mirror.

“Now we’ll do my special routine for my skin. There’s a reason I look so glowingly handsome. To combat wrinkles, I use youthful, innocent serum for my skin.”

What’s in this container of serum you might ask? It’s a simply mixture of tears from all the pageant women Donald made uncomfortable, soft tufts of fur from faultless animals that Donald Junior shot on hunting trips, and beads of sweat from the underpaid, exploited, working class of America. Find it at a local Sephora near you!

He looks at himself in the mirror at his very bald head, shiny and saddening. “Daily wig maker? Where are you? I’m in no mood to be patient,” he whines.

A man in a theme park uniform quickly enters, pushing a large cotton candy machine through the door.

“So sorry, Mr. President,” he shakily begs, “I had to pick up more blonde powder at the store.”

Donald leans his head into the machine; while the man cranks, blonde cotton candy whisps out onto his head.

“It was sweeter last week.”

“I think they changed the formula, sir.”

The final step of Donald’s morning routine is simple yet vital. In order to achieve his stained orange pigmentation, he has to work his way up to the level of anger that turns him that color. This requires one crucial step–getting angry.

Donald pulls up the Tumblr app on his phone.

“Well screw you, Jerika from Long Island! Your purple hair won’t ever earn you respect anyways. I bet nobody even sits with you during your fifth period lunch. What a LOSER!”

The anger saga is fulfilled by a five minute slideshow of people wearing beanies, SNL writers, and urban outfitters employees ordering iced coffee before their shifts. He shouts, screeches, spits, and squalls until his anger turns him into the infamous, Donald-orange. After that, he begins his day full of hard work. On the golf course.

February 21, 2019 3

German Expressionism Turns Film into Poetry

I’ll be honest. My knowledge of film isn’t broad. Sometimes I like movies solely because Chris Pratt is in them. I’m definitely not qualified to professionally review them, but I’m learning the ropes. So, with that in mind, I came across this film that I was not at all exciting to watch. It was called The Night of the Hunter (1955)

My film professor flicked off the lights and started the movie. I was already yawning. All I wanted was to go home and watch Parks and Rec and then fall asleep. Nonetheless, I stayed in my seat and braved through it.

AND DAMN. What a movie! German expressionism was the main topic for us this week. I understood the gist of it, but never saw it in execution. The Night of the Hunter was a flawless execution of this genre, and allowed me to see how impactful it was. German expressionism in film exaggerates, stretches, and bends all forms of reality to create a twisted, Kafkaesque world where the plot then takes off from there. Picture it like Tim Burton movies coming to life.

This genre not only exaggerates the effects, but it strengthens the emotions felt while watching. For instance, childhood wonder, nostalgia, chase, and family were all jacked up on steroids with the film techniques in this movie. The scenes with the children felt like a Disney sequence, the scenes with the murderer felt inescapable and something out of a nightmare, and the scenes with the whole family felt warm, safe and loving. Everything was accentuated due to this style. I highly recommend this movie. It didn’t feel like I was watching two children escaping a murder, it was more peaking into their brains for a night and watching their very bad dream of escaping a murderer. It was filmed like a dream, where things are just, for lack of a better word, off. And that’s what made it such an unsettling work of art.

February 18, 2019 4

Saturday Night Live Museum in Chicago Review: The Highlights

Saturday Night Live has always been quite near and dear to my heart; if there’s one thing I’m a nerd about, it’s this show. So, it was truly fitting that I spent my valentine’s day date at a place I’m newly in love with– the temporary SNL museum in Chicago, ‘SNL: The Experience.’ Located at 360 N State St, you’ll find that the tickets are reasonably priced for the inside look at a show with so much history and humor. Here were a few of my favorite parts.

The Full Schedule

Not only are there famous wigs, costumes, and scripts, but each room of the museum serves as a day of the week at 30 Rockefeller Plaza, and shows how the day-to-day madness ensues. It displays where the episode is at in the production process on each day. For instance, Tuesdays include long nights that writers spend hours thinking of pitch ideas for the dreaded Wednesday meeting with Lorne and the host. The Tuesday room had videos of famous writers, like Seth Meyers, talking about this day in particular, as well as a glass case full of scripts from over the years, included some from as early as the 70’s. I was having a moment.

The Glamour

With all the character transformations on snl, it makes for lots of wigs, head molds, and allllllll kinds of props to make the characters look believable. It was interesting to see all the designated elements for the hilarious characters that famous alum used to wear–especially the iconic cone head.

The Costumes

We were joined by all of the classics from snl history at this museum, Stefon’s wedding outfit (YES!), the church lady’s dress (isn’t that special?), and even the suit from Alec Baldwin’s uncanny Donald Trump impersonation. There were so many more that you should check out for yourself because this part of the museum was surreal. I felt like I was entering a forbidden Taiwanese Temple or something. Seriously, it was so cool.

The final part

After visiting a replica of the control room (which also felt very real, there was a countdown board to the special snl episode for museum goers only.) The nutshell SNL episode was short and sweet to sum up the museum, and to send off those just finishing the tour. There were very few other people there when I went on a weekday, so it made this experience even cooler. After the mini show, they encouraged a fun photoshoot behind the recreated ‘weekend update’ desk. I was in heaven. (And I also found my new profile picture for EVERYTHING)

This was by far, the best museum I have ever visited. I only mentioned a fraction of the memorabilia, props, costumes, quotes, videos, set pieces, and snl artifacts that caught my eye on every floor; there are so many more I didn’t mention. It’s funny because we were actually about to do the art institute for the 288343476th time. Luckily, my search recommended this gem, and suddenly there was a day I’ll never forget. In other words, DO THIS WHILE IT’S HERE!

February 18, 2019 2

Comedians that Dominated their Decade 1920’s-now

1920’s : Buster Keaton: Known for his physical, slapstick antics, Buster Keaton was the ‘stone-face’ of comedy in the new platform of film. He’s famous for seemingly impossible gags, establishing a new territory of comedy in his era. You can’t take a film class without hearing his name. He’s known for his feature films like The General and Steamboat Bill Jr.

1930’s: Charlie Chaplin: Relying heavily on pantomime and eccentric, quirky movements to convey humor, Chaplin paved the way for experimental techniques in comedy films. He’s known for his works like Modern Times, and The Great Dictator. (Side-note: he’s also infamous for his scandalous life outside of film.)

1940’s: Bing Crosby: Known for his life in comedy motion pictures, as well as music, Crosby took the entertainment industry by storm in his era. He’s known for many comedic films like Going My Way and Road to Bali, especially when he was starring on the silver screen with classic comedian, Bob Hope.

1950’s: Jerry Lewis: As the Paramount comedy star, and former duo member with Dean Martin, Lewis was a thriving entertainer of the 1950’s and beyond. Creating and starring in a plethora of comedy films, as well as being known for his quick improvisational humor on The Martin and Lewis Show on the radio, Lewis seemed unstoppable in his career endeavors. He went on to pursue a solo career, and later directed many films like The Bellboy and The Ladies Man.

1960’s Joan Rivers: One of, or if not the most famous female comedian of all time, Joan Rivers was outspoken, fearless, and hilarious in her glory days of comedy. She pioneered comedy for females, as she was the first female late night television host and paved the way for stand up, igniting laughter with shocking comedy, insults, and witty observation.

1970’s Rodney Dangerfield: Known as one of the greatest names in comedy, Dangerfield has mastered film, stand up, and simply being a hilarious person all around. If you’ve ever heard the phrase ‘I don’t get no respect!,’ you know who to thank. With stand up specials, No Respect and Back to School, and classic comedy films like Caddyshack and Easy Money, and hundreds of witty one-liners, it’s easy to see how Dangerfield rose to the top.

1980’s: Robin Williams: Ah, the man himself, whom we all miss dearly. Williams’ comedic talents of improvisation, mastering impressions and voices, televised comedy and classic comedy films, is famously loved by many. Appealing to practically any audience, his legacy of comedy wins him a place as one of the greatest. Need there be a further explanation?

1990’s: Jerry Seinfeld: What is the deal with him? Inventing the best of sitcom comedy, Jerry Seinfeld is quite literally known as the ‘king of comedy’ by many. Exuding confidence, wit, and an expertise knowledge of humor, he’s the creator of one of the most famous, long-running comedy series. His stand-up specials and screenwriting skills have made him one of the biggest names in comedy.

2000’s: Dave Chappelle: Relaxed, philosophical, clever and brilliantly hilarious–Chappelle takes on broad topics in stand up from politics to sex and drugs, and many more. Creating the Chappelle Show, Half-Baked, and The Dave Chappelle Project as well as hilarious stand-up specials like For What It’s Worth, and Killin’ Them Softly. He’s known by many as one of the greatest names in the history of comedy.

2010’s: John Mulaney: Taking the comedy scene by storm, Mulaney has created three successful stand-up specials (New in Town, The Comeback Kid, and Kid Gorgeous) undertook years writing for SNL, and co-created a new type of cartoon comedy on TV animation, Big Mouth. His aura of gentle, story-telling politeness is part of what ropes each audience in to roaring laughter. His talent in sketch comedy, self-deprecating nature, and surreal humor, are all what make him one of the current top names in comedy today.

February 13, 2019 0

An Angry Letter: Baby Boomer Edition

Dear Costco Customer Services and Management,

I’m writing today because I am extremely upset by the terrible service I received by one of your staff members earlier this afternoon.

The young, barely 17 year old cashier will rot in eternal hell for not providing me every damn thing I need. I was SIMPLY trying to make a purchase of 43 items, and return 56 items. When I tried to return the Aveeno lotion that I had used to its full proximity, the cashier, and I still cannot believe this, said ‘no.’ What, like a seventeen year old snowflake is going to tell me no? I don’t think so. So what’s mama’s next move? Calling the manager.

The manager came over, looked at the lotion and said that it “could not be returned whatsoever.” So, after screaming at the top of my lungs and waving my jiggly arms in their faces for a good ten minutes, I calmly settled and had the rest of my items sold.

As I tapped my poorly molded french manicured acrylics on the counter, I watched as coupon upon coupon scanned through the register. Then suddenly one coupon wouldn’t go through, as it was “not a Costco coupon, this is for TJ Maxx, ma’am.” Mmm, trying to play me as a fool? Not today, you’re not. I demanded for it to be put through at top volume, as the tiny, fragile cashier tried to search for a similar coupon online. Forget it.

Then came along my final attempt at bargaining. There was only one of my size of the fringed navy cardigan left and it had a small piece of fuzz on it. That’s right, you guessed it, say it with me ladies, “damage discount!” So as I pleaded my case, that it was clearly obscene for a microscopic sized fuzzball to be stuck onto the sweater I wanted so dearly, they said that there was “nothing they could do.” Truly sickening.

So, I ended off my purchase by telling the cashier that she has no future, no skills, and can’t do the easiest job on the planet. She started crying, which I did feel a little bad for, but that will just toughen her up. Teenagers these days, huh? Such pansies. Anyways. I’m writing to ask for a free lifetime membership to Costco after this incident, as I very much deserve one. If I don’t get one, this is not the last letter you will be receiving from me.

Warm Regards,

Your Least Favorite Baby Boomer

February 9, 2019 0

How to be: A Manic Pixie Dream Girl

Here is the official guide to becoming the quirky, dorky, flirtatiously one-dimensional idyllic girl found in many poorly-written romantic movies. Because you? You’re different. You’re not like most girls.

Dye your hair a vibrant color

Purchase a Twister spin board, and whatever color it lands on, that’s your new hair look. Don’t shy away from Office Max Sharpie yellow or just go full on marinara with that early 2000’s Kate Winslet glam. If you want to be a Manic Pixie Dream Girl, you have to be QUIRKY DAMNIT. No instagram baddies here.

Wear converse with a dress

It’s because you’re DIFFERENT. Heels? For suckers. For suckers that were nominated as prom queen, in fact. You’re GOOFY and ADORABLE and not buying into it.

Make no plans for your future

Remember, you’re one-dimensional. Law school? No, no, no.

Make up songs on the spot and sing them in public places

You’re in the grocery store with your back-story developed male partner and it’s jam-packed. But you’re not a boring, normal girl. You’re spontaneous. Sing about the milk cartons or the magazines. Feel free to embarrass the exhausted, straight, skinny white boy protagonist, but also simultaneously charm him with your playful, oddly attractive vibes. All of this will occur while the cashier just fucking has it because oh my god this couple needs to shut the fuck up I make 7.25 an hour just to check out discount items for these fucking wankers.

Have a whimsical yet mysterious name

If you’re sporting a basic name like Katie or Emily, delete it. Your name is now either Autumn, Clementine, or Lavender Winterheart. If it doesn’t abide by the bath & body works scent code (season, fruit, or flower) then you might as well be named Richard or Larry.

Play the ukulele

But make sure you only learn four chords, not full songs, to make sure you disappoint a crowd everytime you whip it out at a party.

There you have it. If you want to be a poorly-written literary trope that caters only to the developed plot line of the male protagonist, attaining these characteristics will be crucial to being a Manic Pixie Dream Girl.

February 8, 2019 1

Inside Small-Town Tennessee’s Child Pageant Headquarters

Buckle in for the inside scoop to the beauty queen prepping process! What’s the magical secret to making these seven year old children look like Nicole Richie’s voodoo doll army? Let’s dive right in.

Let’s start with the foundation, the basics. The tan, sun-kissed glow is vital to winning trophies for these youngsters. So, every hour hired interns are paid to scrape the bronzy dust off of hot cheetos and doritos. The remains are added to the “little goddess dunk-buckets” and you guessed it! The children are dunked. Here we have little Anne Marie, taking in that beautiful glow right now. How are you feeling, Anne Marie?

Its stinging! I think I’m awwergic, wady, pwease hewp me–

How cute! Little Anne Marie! Next up, it’s hair time. This next room is designated specifically for extensions, curls and smiles! Here, we have the famous French stylist, Jean-Revatio. How do help these girls achieve perfect locks for the pageant on such a short budget, Jean-Revatio?

Budget cuts… zey have not been easy, see. But ze process, it is simple. We hand scissors to ze gals, along vith zeir beloved, how you say, american girl dolls, and we say, chop chop! No more pretty bangs on zee dolly, zey belong to you now.

Oh. There’s no better way to provide extensions?

Not if zey want to lose ze pageant and waste all of mommy’s money.

That checks out. Moving on, we’re going to take a gander at the runway. As stated before, money is tight here. So, with that stated, the runway is compiled of cardboard slats and boxes. There have been many complaints, and even more sprained ankles. Taking a look at this box in particular, it appears to be moving! I’m confused! Oh, would you look at that. There’s a man insi–

Who’s waking me up from ma nap? I paid rent on this here box, and you millenials had to go ahead and tow it.

Good luck with that, I’m leaving. And now, a producer is approaching me! Hi, sir! What? Why are you whispering? Oh… Okay. Understood.

Well, folks, I have just been paid a time share in Honolulu sized amount of hush money to stop all continuation of the production of this documentary. Thanks for watching! Don’t forget to tune in next week on, “Sashes and Sales: Girl Scouts taking over Compton”

February 2, 2019 0

The Forensic Queen of Dollhouse Murder: Frances Glessner Lee

How does one take a cutesy, child’s toy and combine it with something as gruesome as homicide, and wind up being one of the biggest names in forensic history? Frances Glessner Lee would have the answer for you.

Stealing murder stories straight out of real events in her current time, Lee constructed each nightmarish crime scene as a room in a dollhouse, without a single detail missing. These replicas were considered to be some of the most helpful creations for crime detectives in training at the time, especially considering that there was little practical, useful guidance before it.

Because she couldn’t go to college, Lee became an expert in the field of forensics by studying on her own time. A plague of unsolved murders and bungled evidence were seen in the 30’s-40’s with detectives at the time. Seeing this as a solvable problem, Lee found a way to use domestic skills like stitching, knitting, painting, etc. to perfectly replicate different murder cases that could eventually be used as training exercises for crime investigators. She paved her way to success with a deep expertise for detective and forensic work as well as a little bit of arts and crafts. She eventually became the first female police captain in the country.

Eighteen of the twenty “Nutshell Studies of Unexplained Death,” are still in use for forensics students today, which is why the solutions to them are kept secret. What’s most amazing is the impeccable detail Lee incorporated into the crime scenes. She had each one accurately depicted down to the labels on the jars in the cabinets and headlines on the newspapers.

Here’s the Judson family, also known as the “Three-room-dwelling nutshell”. Their description is as follows:

“Robert Judson, a foreman in a shoe factory, his wife, Kate Judson, and their baby, Linda Mae Judson, were discovered dead by Paul Abbott, a neighbor. Mr. Abbott was questioned and gave the following statement: Bob Judson and he drove to their work together, alternating cars. This was Abbott’s week to drive. On Monday morning, November 1, he was late—about 7:35 a.m.—so, when blowing his horn didn’t bring Judson out, Abbott went to the factory without him, believing Judson would come in his own car.”

Sarah Abbott, Paul Abbott’s wife, was also questioned and gave the following statement:

After Paul had left, she watched for Bob to come out. Finally, about 8:15 a.m., seeing no signs of activity at the Judson house, she went over to their porch and tried the front door, but it was locked and she knocked and called but got no answer. She then went to the kitchen porch, but that door was also locked. She looked in through the glass, and then, thoroughly aroused by the sight of the gun and blood, she ran home and notified the police.”

The answer is under lock and key, but many investigators in-training have learned to crack the case in 90 minutes or less during these nutshell tests.

Pink Bathroom, March 31st, 1942

“Rose Fishman was found dead after days of lying on the floor. A janitor knocked on the door, it was jammed open, he went around to the fire escape to get into the bathroom through the unlocked window. The police were not able to determine for sure if she hung herself or someone murdered her and escaped through the window.”

Because of these “nutshell” 3D models, forensics was forever altered. Although these are mostly seen for their scientific value, Frances Lee Glessner’s artistic detail and designs are extremely skilled, precise and should not go unnoticed. These models could be in an art or science museum and still hold value to both. Lee is an icon of forensic science and a truly impressive, fascinating mind.

-Happy Halloween, everyone.

October 31, 2018 0

Alright. So we all know college is exactly three million dollars per person nowadays and it’s rare to find a student who isn’t struggling with debt. Here are a few very real tips to find money for college that have been proven by scientists to work. Let’s dive right in.

Pretend to be a girl scout

This is perfect timing–it’s scout season. If you’re a boy, no worries. You can simply pretend to be an eagle scout and sell that popcorn, baby. Take the orders, take the money, and drive it all the way to Harvard yard. I mean, who really cares if you’re suspiciously not a child?

Become a Hitman

Encourage your friends with new credit cards to capture the moment by posting facebook pictures.

And you’ll be the first to disappoint them.

Perform Street Shows

You don’t have to be into drama and arts to do this. Pick something you’re good at and perform it in front of a crowd. Maybe it’s accounting and finance. Screw the subway guitar players–display your budget skills on a large binder for crowds of people to see.

Figure out a FAFSA employee’s Grindr password

Blackmail, blackmail, blackmail! Trusty and effective.

Follow these steps, and you will make money for college the very wrong way, good luck!

Musical golf bags do exist, and they’re just as obnoxious as you think

The “caddy scholarship” consistently referenced in the movie actually exists

Also known as the Chick Evans Scholarship, it was founded by Charles E. Jr. or “Chick” in 1930. It’s a full ride scholarship, offering tuition and free housing at a list of state schools, mostly in the Midwest region. And damn, is it sweet.

The life advice is real

The ass-kissing is also real

Serious cash is tossed around like it’s nothing

The caddy masters/ owners won’t take your crap

The “spoiled children” of members stereotype is hilarious

The exhausted Washington sun shines on a dreary Washington morning. After awakening in a bed right by the love of his life, Donald professes his gratitude.

“Oh, beautiful mirror,” he says dreamily, “Look at us. You and I? We’re going to do great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great–”

Twenty minutes pass.

“Great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, GREAT things today. Also, has anyone brought me my three egg mcmuffins and eight hashed browns yet? No? I don’t see it. This is an atrocity! Money is time, people.”

After tweeting angrily about his late breakfast, Donald rocks back and forth six times before being able to sit up properly. Without a single speck of shame, he trudges to his bathroom.

“Now, it’s time to brush the pearly whites! And as everyone knows, white is the most superior color.”

He pushes out the toothpaste onto his brush, a liquified version of Paul Ryan, people clapping when the airplane lands, and Tommy Bahama cologne. The toothpaste is glaringly, painfully white. He looks proudly in the mirror.

“Now we’ll do my special routine for my skin. There’s a reason I look so glowingly handsome. To combat wrinkles, I use youthful, innocent serum for my skin.”

He looks at himself in the mirror at his very bald head, shiny and saddening. “Daily wig maker? Where are you? I’m in no mood to be patient,” he whines.

A man in a theme park uniform quickly enters, pushing a large cotton candy machine through the door.

“So sorry, Mr. President,” he shakily begs, “I had to pick up more blonde powder at the store.”

Donald leans his head into the machine; while the man cranks, blonde cotton candy whisps out onto his head.

“It was sweeter last week.”

“I think they changed the formula, sir.”

The final step of Donald’s morning routine is simple yet vital. In order to achieve his stained orange pigmentation, he has to work his way up to the level of anger that turns him that color. This requires one crucial step–getting angry.

Donald pulls up the Tumblr app on his phone.

“Well screw you, Jerika from Long Island! Your purple hair won’t ever earn you respect anyways. I bet nobody even sits with you during your fifth period lunch. What a LOSER!”

My film professor flicked off the lights and started the movie. I was already yawning. All I wanted was to go home and watch Parks and Rec and then fall asleep. Nonetheless, I stayed in my seat and braved through it.

The Full Schedule

The Glamour

The Costumes

The final part

Dear Costco Customer Services and Management,

I’m writing today because I am extremely upset by the terrible service I received by one of your staff members earlier this afternoon.

The manager came over, looked at the lotion and said that it “could not be returned whatsoever.” So, after screaming at the top of my lungs and waving my jiggly arms in their faces for a good ten minutes, I calmly settled and had the rest of my items sold.

Warm Regards,

Your Least Favorite Baby Boomer

Here is the official guide to becoming the quirky, dorky, flirtatiously one-dimensional idyllic girl found in many poorly-written romantic movies. Because you? You’re different. You’re not like most girls.

Dye your hair a vibrant color

Wear converse with a dress

It’s because you’re DIFFERENT. Heels? For suckers. For suckers that were nominated as prom queen, in fact. You’re GOOFY and ADORABLE and not buying into it.

Make no plans for your future

Remember, you’re one-dimensional. Law school? No, no, no.

Make up songs on the spot and sing them in public places

Have a whimsical yet mysterious name

If you’re sporting a basic name like Katie or Emily, delete it. Your name is now either Autumn, Clementine, or Lavender Winterheart. If it doesn’t abide by the bath & body works scent code (season, fruit, or flower) then you might as well be named Richard or Larry.

Play the ukulele

But make sure you only learn four chords, not full songs, to make sure you disappoint a crowd everytime you whip it out at a party.

There you have it. If you want to be a poorly-written literary trope that caters only to the developed plot line of the male protagonist, attaining these characteristics will be crucial to being a Manic Pixie Dream Girl.

Buckle in for the inside scoop to the beauty queen prepping process! What’s the magical secret to making these seven year old children look like Nicole Richie’s voodoo doll army? Let’s dive right in.