Inside Small-Town Tennessee’s Child Pageant Headquarters

Buckle in for the inside scoop to the beauty queen prepping process! What’s the magical secret to making these seven year old children look like Nicole Richie’s voodoo doll army? Let’s dive right in.

Let’s start with the foundation, the basics. The tan, sun-kissed glow is vital to winning trophies for these youngsters. So, every hour hired interns are paid to scrape the bronzy dust off of hot cheetos and doritos. The remains are added to the “little goddess dunk-buckets” and you guessed it! The children are dunked. Here we have little Anne Marie, taking in that beautiful glow right now. How are you feeling, Anne Marie?

Its stinging! I think I’m awwergic, wady, pwease hewp me–

How cute! Little Anne Marie! Next up, it’s hair time. This next room is designated specifically for extensions, curls and smiles! Here, we have the famous French stylist, Jean-Revatio. How do help these girls achieve perfect locks for the pageant on such a short budget, Jean-Revatio?

Budget cuts… zey have not been easy, see. But ze process, it is simple. We hand scissors to ze gals, along vith zeir beloved, how you say, american girl dolls, and we say, chop chop! No more pretty bangs on zee dolly, zey belong to you now.

Oh. There’s no better way to provide extensions?

Not if zey want to lose ze pageant and waste all of mommy’s money.

That checks out. Moving on, we’re going to take a gander at the runway. As stated before, money is tight here. So, with that stated, the runway is compiled of cardboard slats and boxes. There have been many complaints, and even more sprained ankles. Taking a look at this box in particular, it appears to be moving! I’m confused! Oh, would you look at that. There’s a man insi–

Who’s waking me up from ma nap? I paid rent on this here box, and you millenials had to go ahead and tow it.

Good luck with that, I’m leaving. And now, a producer is approaching me! Hi, sir! What? Why are you whispering? Oh… Okay. Understood.  

Well, folks, I have just been paid a time share in Honolulu sized amount of hush money to stop all continuation of the production of this documentary. Thanks for watching! Don’t forget to tune in next week on, “Sashes and Sales: Girl Scouts taking over Compton”

 

How to be the Worst Vegan in the Universe

~A step by step guide on how to screw up this lifestyle entirely ~

Live on sugary snacks

Now, to be a terrible vegan, you have to get most of your calories from nature valley bars, medium fries, taco bell cinnamon twists, and oreos. Vegetables exist, yes, but are they important? I just laughed. Vegetables who? What is that, if someone could comment below and let me know, I’d appreciate it. Am I even pronouncing that right? Velcro tables?

Don’t eat!

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Okay. So you’re out with the gals. Alyssa just ordered a jumbo cheese pizza for the table, and Tiffany already had the check split. You could’ve packed a quinoa salad beforehand, checked the menu for vegan items before agreeing to go out, or dropped that piece of shit friend group in the first place–but that’s crazy! Just. Don’t. Eat! Hunger is an emotion! Just don’t feel it, silly! They can chow down on the cheese pizza that you’re partially paying for, just play Words With Friends or something, I don’t know, why did you agree to go to a LOU MALNATI’S.

Make everyone feel bad

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Announce that you’re vegan everywhere you go. You’re making a bank deposit? The teller looks stressed and there’s a long line? This is the perfect time to give insight into your new vegan lifestyle. Tell her about how much weight you lost. Tell her about how it would help her a lot to make the change. Oh, your cousin just announced that he’s going vegetarian? EYE ROLL. Way to half-ass it, Robert. The true heroes aren’t mouth-harassing a triple decker stack of buttermilk pancakes and cheesy garlic bread. I can’t even look at you.

Cheat days!

Yes, ladies. Every Friday during a full moon, we ride into the woods on horses. There, we are greeted by both Ben and Jerry, dousing us in fountains of chocolate swirl rocky road. We crack eggs on each others heads while swimming in the fro-yo whirlpool. Suddenly, the ground rumbles. The soil begins to break up and a giant statue emerges from the beneath. It is Paula Deen. Butter blasts out from her eyelids, her nose, HER HAIR!? PEOPLE ARE DROWNING HELP PEOPLE ARE DY–

Stick with your trusty recipes!

Don’t switch things up with your meal planning. Change is scary! Eat dry spaghetti for seven days in a row. The soy milk is expired? Too bad, Sharon. Drink it. New recipes are for communists. Eat what’s in your pantry and fridge, and change nothing. If you run out of stuff, well, that’s why we have trees.

Well, there you have it! If you sufficiently follow these steps, congrats! You will be a terrible vegan, and everyone will want you to stop. If you do the exact opposite of these steps, you’re on a good path, I promise. 

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The Forensic Queen of Dollhouse Murder: Frances Glessner Lee

How does one take a cutesy, child’s toy and combine it with something as gruesome as homicide, and wind up being one of the biggest names in forensic history? Frances Glessner Lee would have the answer for you.

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Stealing murder stories straight out of real events in her current time, Lee constructed each nightmarish crime scene as a room in a dollhouse, without a single detail missing. These replicas were considered to be some of the most helpful creations for crime detectives in training at the time, especially considering that there was little practical, useful guidance before it.

 Because she couldn’t go to college, Lee became an expert in the field of forensics by studying on her own time. A plague of unsolved murders and bungled evidence were seen in the 30’s-40’s with detectives at the time. Seeing this as a solvable problem, Lee found a way to use domestic skills like stitching, knitting, painting, etc. to perfectly replicate different murder cases that could eventually be used as training exercises for crime investigators. She paved her way to success with a deep expertise for detective and forensic work as well as a little bit of arts and crafts.  She eventually became the first female police captain in the country. 

Eighteen of the twenty  “Nutshell Studies of Unexplained Death,” are still in use for forensics students today, which is why the solutions to them are kept secret. What’s most amazing is the impeccable detail Lee incorporated into the crime scenes. She had each one accurately depicted down to the labels on the jars in the cabinets and headlines on the newspapers. 

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Here’s the Judson family, also known as the “Three-room-dwelling nutshell”. Their description is as follows: 

“Robert Judson, a foreman in a shoe factory, his wife, Kate Judson, and their baby, Linda Mae Judson, were discovered dead by Paul Abbott, a neighbor. Mr. Abbott was questioned and gave the following statement: Bob Judson and he drove to their work together, alternating cars. This was Abbott’s week to drive. On Monday morning, November 1, he was late—about 7:35 a.m.—so, when blowing his horn didn’t bring Judson out, Abbott went to the factory without him, believing Judson would come in his own car.”

Sarah Abbott, Paul Abbott’s wife, was also questioned and gave the following statement:

After Paul had left, she watched for Bob to come out. Finally, about 8:15 a.m., seeing no signs of activity at the Judson house, she went over to their porch and tried the front door, but it was locked and she knocked and called but got no answer. She then went to the kitchen porch, but that door was also locked. She looked in through the glass, and then, thoroughly aroused by the sight of the gun and blood, she ran home and notified the police.”

The answer is under lock and key, but many investigators in-training have learned to crack the case in 90 minutes or less during these nutshell tests.

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Pink Bathroom, March 31st, 1942

“Rose Fishman was found dead after days of lying on the floor. A janitor knocked on the door, it was jammed open, he went around to the fire escape to get into the bathroom through the unlocked window. The police were not able to determine for sure if she hung herself or someone murdered her and escaped through the window.”

Because of these “nutshell” 3D models, forensics was forever altered. Although these are mostly seen for their scientific value, Frances Lee Glessner’s artistic detail and designs are extremely skilled, precise and should not go unnoticed. These models could be in an art or science museum and still hold value to both. Lee is an icon of forensic science and a truly impressive, fascinating mind. 

-Happy Halloween, everyone.

 

What I’ve Learned from Working with Kids

Living in a fast-paced, adult world distracts me from the simpler things sometimes. I’m typically pulled back to the ground though when I walk into work, and supervise kids, often observing the mindless, silly things they do and say. I’m not going into a career field of teaching or any professional job working with kids, it’s just a temporary job I have right now. But I picked up on a few funny patterns.

1) They think you’re way older than you actually are

And it’s hilarious. Kids suck at guessing ages. I’m eighteen. I started working with kids when I was sixteen. Between that time, these children thought I was married and in my late 20’s. Like Jesus, I’d hope not. Meanwhile, they get upset when I accidentally call them seven instead of eight.

2) There’s drama in every age group

Kids fight over who has the prettier Communion dress in second grade and talk smack about other classmates on snapchat in eighth grade. Of course, it’s usually the little kids who have more emotional recounts of drama. One time, a six year old girl accidentally took a crayon that belonged to her friend when they were coloring. She felt so bad about it and started crying. When something goes wrong as a kid, it is in fact, THE END OF THE WORLD.

3) They hate their younger siblings

I think that it’s just a universal thing growing up, to despise your younger siblings. I always used to want to hang with my older brother, but he couldn’t be more annoyed with me. And I felt the same annoyance towards my younger brother. Same thing today. The older siblings at daycare will have their own social groups, busy themselves in conversations about The Emoji Movie and dabbing (I cringe every day). Their younger siblings complain that they can’t hang out with the “big” kids, because their older brother or sister “totally hates their guts.” But that ongoing rivalry dies eventually. I think.

4) Bragging is never subtle

We were going through prayer intentions once, and a little girl asked for everyone to “pray for her safe trip to go see disney on ice.” (Mind you, this is a 20 minute drive) It’s funny to see how little kids have a grasp on dropping hints about things. The best is when they get into “who’s mom is the best” arguments.

5) Grown ups have all the answers, always 

They think adults have all the solutions, and one day you just grow up and suddenly “know everything”. A kid asked me to multiple 522 and 47, and I obviously couldn’t get it off the top of my head, so I used a calculator. They were completely shocked that I didn’t just know the answer. But it’s funny, because when you’re a kid, you think adults have all the answers, and then you become one and you realize how well all the adults were bullshitting it while you were a kid.

6) They just want to have fun

They just want to run around and clothesline other kids at recess, jump rope, race their friends, play hide and seek, kickball, dance-offs, charades, they don’t care. They wait long hours through the school day just to run around and be way too hyper for a while. And I wish life was still that simple.

If Meth Was Sold At Walmart

If meth was sold at Walmart, it would be packaged in little boxes with bright, graphic ads on the front, like Poptarts.

There would be shelves stocked high with regular meth, and also diet meth for people who are trying to look fuller for bikini season.

At Starbucks, you would order a frappuccino and walk over to the mini table assorted with milk, sugar, creamer, and their newest feature, the cute little plastic needles you can inject before you drink it. Yes, they have venti needles, grande needles, and tall needles for that small pick me up. Everyone’s a tough biker now, as they sip on their biker coffees.

If meth was sold at Walmart, you could stroll through the home living department, fixing your eyes and nose on the new meth candles, infused specifically for each season. Bath and Body Works is jealous as the new “Crushed Candy Cane” is no longer just an overpriced body gel.

Martha and Elaine are moms of pre-teens, Johnny and Sam. They would share a laugh and a pipe as they talk about how their little ones are “growing out of their morphine phase,” and “sneak into mommy’s white snow stache, thinking they’re so clever.”

There would be groupons and coupons for every meth-related event and item. Hurry fast! The meth-infused aromatherapy kit is available at Home Goods for twenty dollars! And the offer is only good until tomorrow!

If meth was sold at Walmart, the new recorded life expectancy for Americans would be a whopping who the fuck cares.

If meth was sold at Walmart, the demand for proactiv would shoot through the roof. People would be caught smashing open the vending machines of them, awkwardly placed at malls. Poor Adam Levine.

If meth was sold at Walmart, the fresh produce in aisles nearby would rot to a sickly brown.

If meth was sold at Walmart, I think we can agree that humankind would be in trouble.

I guess you could say this is a small satirized catalog of the thoughts that I have swarming around in my head when someone says, “Why should we put restrictions on guns? Drugs are illegal and people still find ways get them. It wouldn’t change anything.” But the thing is that people can’t get illegal drugs at Walmart. But they can get guns.

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Little Ways to Minimize Stress

I’m a new college student, I work two jobs, and I’ve been applying to transfer schools and scholarships like a crazy person. Stress and anxiety aren’t strangers. In fact, they’ve been kickin it at my place these past few weeks. But luckily, I’ve been testing out different ways to make me feel more comfortable and a lot less overwhelmed during my day. Here’s some things that have helped.

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Meditation apps

I was thinking of doing a separate article reviewing different apps, but my favorite is definitely Headspace (a guided meditation app). Although it can be difficult to include meditating consistently in a daily routine, just taking 5-10 minutes before bed to do this can take a lot of weight off of your shoulders. At first, I thought meditation was a few minutes of thinking about nothing, but it’s a lot more than that. It’s understanding your own consciousness and “heightening your awareness” so to speak. Once you become a little more aware to things around you, it’s harder to allow daily anxieties to cloud up your clear mind.

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Natural Anxiety Relievers

Whether it’s Sedalia, Natrol or another supplement, natural anxiety relievers can be a simple, additional way to manage anxiety or stress, and even improve your sleep. I’ve tried them on and off, but must I tell you folks, on days that I had to perform onstage, give a speech, or just put myself in a position outside of my comfort zone, these have actually helped. Yes, I’m usually nervous for these things, but natural supplements help normalize my feelings about it. It helps me shift from severe anxiety over to light, excited jitters.

Creative Time

I started doing this recently, and it’s been really eye-opening. I’ll shuffle through papers for hours, have my mind spinning about physics problems, and then in the midst of this chaos, I’ll devote 20-30 minutes to letting my mind wander creatively. I bought a few paints at the store, put on a Bob Ross, The Joy of Painting episode, and just painted pictures for a little while. None of them were good. I threw them away actually. But it felt so nice just to be creative and enjoy myself. I’ll also write. I have some episodes of Modern Family that I wrote on this blog. Sometimes school stress motivates me to think of the premise for my next episode. Sometimes, I’ll just write about my day, and about all the uniqueness of it. I’m usually in a better place after I do “creative” activities, even if it’s just for a little. It’s something cool to try.  

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Sometimes I won’t even know that I was angry until I work out

I’ve been trying to run on my treadmill a little bit everyday. It’s funny because some days I’ll start out, kinda stressed and totally against the idea of it, thinking I won’t be running too long anyways. But then I’ll wind up blasting music and going triple the time I expected. Sometimes it’s just a chore; that’s inevitable. But when I’m stressed or upset, this can flip around how I’m feeling. Especially when I put on music that I like. Seriously, surf through Spotify playlists until you find something that motivates you to run an extra mile or lift the heavier weight or whatever it is that gets you moving.

 Talking to someone

Whether it’s on the phone venting to a friend, out with a group, or my sole interaction of the day at a drive-thru window (sad, I know), having a positive social encounter can make me feel so much less anxiety. Sometimes it’s hard to get it through my head that people aren’t out to get me. I build up so much stress over talking to certain people, that sometimes I have to remind myself it’s not so bad, by doing it. Awesome people are out there, it just takes patience to find them.

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Before you finish reading, I wanted to quickly disclaim that actual symptoms of clinical anxiety should be treated professionally. Sure, these can be quick fixes that temporarily help, but if you’re struggling medically, click outta this dude.

Either way, if you’re going through a stressful time, I wish you the best! Hopefully sharing some of my own stress relievers helped you out in some way.

Modern Family episode five

Synopsis: Claire brings down the head of the PTA with an iron fist, Luke and Phil search for evidence to get revenge on a classmate, Gloria tries to convince Jay that her music is superior, all the while Cam and Manny go on a wild, psychic goose-chase, just for good skin care.

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Modern Family: Episode Four

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Synopsis: In this episode, Mitchell and Cam try to learn something new for fun (but mostly safety reasons). Luke and Manny take on their new dog walking business with eagerness and innovation. The battle for the perfect dress is fought between two sisters, while a jealousy-ridden game of golf plays out between two dads. ENJOY.

How American Psycho Charms its Audience with Dark Themes and A Puzzling Truth

Recently, I had to review a film for my composition class. I wanted to pick a film that actually got me thinking and entertained dark, thrilling elements. With halloween coming up, I thought–what better movie to pick than our favorite businessman killer, our American psycho?

American Psycho (2000), was  directed by Mary Harron and based on a top-selling novel written by Bret Easton Ellis in 1991. This film is about a young, sophisticated businessman–Patrick Bateman–living in New York in the late 80’s. However, he’s an uncontrollable and horrendous serial killer when nighttime hits. The film has running themes of self-identity, isolation, illusion and insanity, all of which contribute to its dark, horrific elements.

Self-identity and distortion are recurring themes in this film. Patrick seems to be living as two identities. We first have his social identity: businessman, agreeably uninteresting and undistinguishable from his co-workers. Then there’s his psychotic, night-time, killer identity that has no remorse. Because he’s one person, understanding which identity he is at certain points in the film can seem confusing. Cinematography works as a guide for the audience to see which “person” he is.

For example, the consistent shots of Bateman’s reflection in mirrors shows that he’s aware of his other identity. He wears Valentino business suits as a symbol of his social identity. While he’s murdering his co-worker, Paul Allen, he puts on a transparent raincoat, veiling the view of his pristine business suit. This represents his social personality being blocked, or pushed aside as his murderous, malicious side steps forward.

There is a shot of the ‘Les Mis’ French flag casted over Bateman’s face. This shot is exactly half-lit; one side of his face is perfectly illuminated, the other cast with a dark shadow. This can be seen as a symbol of his bipolar, dual nature with one side, bright and charming while the other, villainous side hides in the darkness.

The concept of masks as a symbol consistently shows up in Bateman’s life. In his opening monologue, he applies a face mask and slowly peels it off. This represents how he “puts on a mask” before he goes out into the world and interacts with people–his evil side is hiding under his social identity. Then there are scenes where Bateman’s face is covered with blood, looking as if it is a mask; this is representative of his evil persona blocking, or masking his sane, social identity. He is constantly masking his true identity to match whatever situation he’s in.

If a tree falls in a forest when no one is there, does it make a sound?

This philosophy can be specified in context to: if you confess to murdering forty people and nobody believes you, does it even matter? The lack of self identity is displayed in Bateman’s social interactions with his peers and fiance. His coworkers seem confusedly interchangeable to one another.

“There is an idea of a Patrick Bateman, some kind of abstraction. But there is no real me. Only an entity. Something illusory,” Bateman declares.

But no one appears to care. Worse yet, no one even notices. Bateman confesses to these peers multiple times to the murders he committed. Each person either laughs it off or pretends not to hear, giving way to the storm of frustration and insanity heightening in his narrative.

Bateman’s hysterical confession to his lawyer on the phone is quite possibly the loudest shout for help he could give.

Howard, it’s Bateman. Patrick Bateman. You’re my lawyer, so I think you should know I’ve killed a lot of people.”

He goes on to confess, in detail, to every murder he committed. In response, his lawyer simply laughs, mistakes him for a different client and praises him on pulling “such a funny joke on that loser Patrick Bateman.” The lack of distinguishability between the individual worth or traits of the characters in their uptight, high-class society is what drives Bateman to become a murderer. In his world of isolation and no discernible identity, murder is his insanity-driven way to differentiate himself from the rest.

Lastly, as an audience, it’s vital to unpack the idea of a false narrative, or being misled through the actual timeline of events. Distortion, insanity, self-identity are all themes that heavily rely on the musings and broken gears of Patrick Bateman’s mind. This leaves us with the question: were all of his murders just a product of his mind as well? Did he just imagine each kill and leave the audience to believe it actually happened?

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During the movie, there are a few compelling examples that serve as evidence for this false narrative. For example, after Bateman’s killing spree, he visits the apartment in which he stored the “evidence” of his murders.  This is when everything we understood to be true of Bateman’s narrative starts to unwind. The evidence is completely wiped from the apartment; painted over without a trace. He runs into a realtor; she states that nobody named “Paul Allen” actually lived there. Near the end of the film, Patrick is told by his lawyer that he couldn’t have committed the murder of Allen, because he went out to dinner with a different coworker, Paul Owen, the prior week.

Essentially, American Psycho has elements of isolation, insanity, and self-identity that seem to falsely lead the audience through an incorrect timeline of events told by a bipolar, psychotic narrator. These elements also serve to satirize the upper-working class of late-80’s New York “yuppies”, so to speak. Although the perplexing plot line has led people to argue about its truth, the original author, Ellis, has said that the greatness of the story is exactly that we do not know whether or not Bateman committed the crimes.

As an audience, we’re left to wonder if the his insanity led us through a false, blurry narrative, or if he recounted everything exactly as it happened, but no one cared.

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Easy Actions That Help The Environment

The reality of climate change is imminent. What can you do to help?  As the changing climate becomes a threat to our future on earth, we need to delve into different, easy ways we can lessen the impact of it. This doesn’t mean changing our entire lifestyles around the issue, but simply including some small habits that are healthy for the environment. Here’s what you can do.

bulbLED light bulbs: one bright idea

Switching from normal bulbs to light-emitting diode–LED– can actually lessen the effects of greenhouse gases in the atmosphere by more than you might think. LED lights are more efficient in turning energy into lights by about 70-90%. This produces positive effects in our air, energy, and costs.

walk.pngWalking instead of driving

Yes, you’ve probably been told this one a million times, but its benefits are worth it. Although this might be difficult in the winter, all of you proud Californians and Floridians can stick with this year round. Walking or bike riding to a friend’s house, the store, or anywhere in your daily routine can reduce your carbon footprint tremendously. Not only is it great for the environment, but a few more steps each day is great for YOU.

veganGo vegetarian!

Or pescatarian, or have meatless mondays, or just cut out red meats, or literally any change that is slightly “less meat” in your diet. Going vegetarian is a phenomenal decision that can add years onto your life. If that’s too big of a step, a smart and healthy option is choosing to consume less red meat products (beefs, pork, etc.) and just stick to the healthier, high protein chicken recipes. So, why does does your diet affect the environment? Livestock can contribute a lot to greenhouse gas emissions. If you want more of a reason to convert, a documentary titled “Cowspiracy: The Sustainability Secret” provides an inside look into the true effect livestock contributes negatively towards our changing climate.

coffeePick one cup and stick to it

Work, school, or any other commitments can get tiring. If you’re like me, you might enjoy a coffee, once–twice–or three times a day. It’s so easy and efficient to get a reusable, high-quality cup to use anytime you want to bring a drink with you somewhere. Let’s say I drink coffee with a reusable cup everyday for an entire school year. If I were to instead use a paper or styrofoam cup, that would roughly equate to 190 cups per year in the garbage, as opposed to one reusable cup that takes a quick wash each night.

wifiDo it ONLINE

Going to a concert? Catching a flight? Use those e-tickets. Doing this alongside paying bills online, taking online classes, or getting your news from online version of The New York Times can all save large amounts of paper usage day-to-day. Mass deforestation is an issue that contributes to greenhouse gas emissions–do what you can to lessen it.


Although the threat of climate change is worrying to our current and future state, little things you can incorporate into your daily life will lead to a healthier, safer environment. It might not stop it completely, but it sure will help.

 

 

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