How Kim Foxx Won
Where Did Disney’s Magic Go?
From my perspective, the magic of Disney is that whenever I hear a certain song, or re-watch an old movie, it instantly takes me back. I’m reminded of the days when I would pop the chubby VHS tape in the VCR, decorated in some Cinderella costume my mom sewed, ornamented with orange juice stains and loose threads. Time stood still when I heard lovely tune of A Whole New World with Princess Jasmine’s grainy, enchanting presence on a TV screen that was once brand new in 1995.
Whew! Nostalgia, how bout it!
Disney’s animation was a unique, vibrant, breathtaking experience that I remember being inspired by as a child. The colors popped, the quick tricks were fascinating, the scenery was detailed, and everything was just so interesting.
Which is why I can’t help but share my disappointment in many of the new live-action Disney films, attempting to unnecessarily replicate these beautiful, original masterpieces. Why fix something that isn’t broken?
I’ve seen a handful of these new movies so far: Aladdin, Lion King, Cinderella, Beauty and the Beast, The Jungle Book. (Wow, actually typing these out I saw way more than I should’ve, damn.) Either way, I wasn’t impressed by them. Here’s why:
My big girl answer: The creators of these films banked on nostalgia, altered soundtracks, and big Hollywood names to recreate the tales. And, in a way, it worked. These movies racked in a massive fortune for Disney, and launched several careers for the ‘live-action’ actors. However, it failed in a more important way. Although the CGI that they love to use for everything is impeccable, the color palettes of (many) of the films are ridden with depressing, dull greys, browns, and blacks. The celebrity cameos are distracting and misplaced. The focus for these films is more on being ‘epic’ and gritty, showing off the calibrated CGI. Observing the overall look of the film from an art direction perspective, it’s underwhelming, especially seeing such phenomenal films like Coco being released in the same year. The difference is night and day.
My biased, toddler answer: It took stories that were so vibrant, so beautiful, and so well-fitting for the animation they were currently told as, and made it a weird, stupid-looking human version! Are you kidding me? Part of the magic of Disney’s animation is that the characters are, in fact, animated, more vibrant than real people and real animals. You can twist and stretch the intensity of their looks and actions. It creates the larger-than-life, mind-boggling excitement that you can’t recreate yourself. The Lion King looked like a NATURE DOCUMENTARY. Their mouths barely moved, the colors were pathetic. You broke it! How’d you break the Lion King!? (Sidenote on Aladdin: I know Will Smith has a bajillion dollars but… I still don’t think the man got paid enough for being the genie Jesus fucking Christ)
Here’s a comparison between the Lion King animation (left) and live-action (right).
Here’s another, except vice versa:
This final comparison is from the Live Action Aladdin (2019)
I understand the default answer: money. That little mouse will smile and wave and then slash each remaining industry dead as the serial entertainment monopolist. However, there are also less ‘capitalist’ reasons. Many people argued that these live-action films bring the same magic of the original stories to the new generation of children to enjoy. But to that I ask, is it the same magic?
Disney’s blatant disinterest in its own magic is, what can be best described as a plague affecting movie theaters everywhere. It’s almost aggravating, especially from where I’m standing. As a student who is interested in writing screenplays, it’s frustrating to watch Hollywood’s spotlight only shine on the same stories from roughly 15 years ago. I love seeing new creators, directors, and screenwriters explode. Watching quality, original work given the attention it deserves not only gives me something new to watch and enjoy, but also a gleam of hope for the future of content on the silver screen.
I’m not a fan of ‘10 reasons you shouldn’t support xyz’ or ‘why (insert movie or show) sucks!’ type of journalism. It isn’t very productive. However, I think it’s genuinely important to criticize a massive company that a wickedly tight grip on the entertainment industry’s balls. Disney has a large say over what we choose to accept as the standard for entertainment that we once held sacredly to our childhood hearts. I hope this phase of live-action movies is a weird fluke that we can all just kick under the magic carpet.
We Are All Foreigners
We are all foreigners. In some way, to some person, we are unbeknownst. The term ‘foreign’ can be described as something strange and unknown to one. People different than us have a strange way of striking confusion and fear within ourselves. But that’s only one dimensional. And as we all know, a single story is dangerous, as we can’t infer any deeper understanding.
So what does this poetic garbage mean?
It’s important that we sometimes see ourselves as foreigners; we’re the ones with unknown traits. This topic has been lingering on my mind for some time now. I’m in a college production of The Foreigner by Larry Shue–a farce comedy set in 1980’s rural Georgia (so probably not the best place to be one.) We meet an Englishman staying with this Southern family for some time, Charlie Baker, a gentleman so paralyzed with anxiety and fear, and as a result of this fear of talking, he is introduced to them as a foreign man who speaks no English.
Through this setup, he overhears the complexities and secrets within this Georgian family, but also helps them grow, and defeat the evil of ignorance.
It gave me a deeper understanding of the mystery, hatred and ignorance so wrongly placed on the word ‘foreigner’ and how we are all foreign in some way, making us not so different from one another after all.
An example of this: When an American visits some European country, and gleefully proclaims their love of the accents. The local then slyly asserts that it’s the visiting tourist with the accent, not them. Two perspectives, two stories, two foreigners.
We are all foreigners, and it’s a very good thing.
Chronicles of a Caddy: How True “Caddyshack” Portrays the Experience
I caddied for five years at a wealthy, prestigious country club. I’ve picked up a lot of life experience, as well as some golf tips (don’t get me wrong, I’m still garbage at it). The movie Caddyshack is equally timeless as it is hilariously brilliant, and I find myself relating to a lot of it. Harold Ramis, Douglas Kenney and Brian Doyle-Murray began writing this movie by basing it off of true events from personal experiences as
Musical golf bags do exist, and they’re just as obnoxious as you think
In the movie, the character Al Czervik is a zany golfer with a loud, music-blasting golf bag that’s lugged around on the caddy’s shoulder. Fun as it would seem, the sad fact is that any music played is rich old white dude music, which isn’t good at all. This excludes any bops, bangers, or jams. When I came across this experience, I had absolutely no idea how to shut the music off, and was compensated far too little for the ear torture.
The “caddy scholarship” consistently referenced in the movie actually exists
Also known as the Chick Evans Scholarship, it was founded by Charles E. Jr. or “Chick” in 1930. It’s a full ride scholarship, offering tuition and free housing at a list of state schools, mostly in the Midwest region. And damn, is it sweet.
The life advice is real
While there are always golfers that prefer not to converse and simply focus on the game, I’ll find that a good amount of people will relate what they’ve learned about college, jobs, people, and life in general to what my future plans are. After all, if they’ve obtained a pricey membership at such an upscale place, and have found success in their field. Why wouldn’t their advice be worth taking?
The ass-kissing is also real
Whether it’s co-workers in an outing with their boss, or a caddy that wants to be promoted, there are always the brown-noses (another term consistently referenced in the movie) Many work/business opportunities are on the line, and people try to fight their way to them. It’s interesting to watch.
Serious cash is tossed around like it’s nothing
Again, the country club I worked at is extremely upscale. I’d see these golfers making bets on a putt for more than my monthly tuition payments. They throw around money like it’s not a problem, because for most of them, it isn’t. The only scary part of this equation, is when they would ask me to read a putt that’s worth 2-3,000 dollars. No thank you, sir.
The caddy masters/ owners won’t take your crap
They’ve got people to impress and–no– they don’t have time to pay you right now so hang on a damn second. If you fall out of line, they won’t be nice to you. One time, my boss went off on a caddy for ten minutes because he had his feet propped up on a chair in the caddyshack. (Not the friendliest person) When it comes to rules, it’s pretty much “put up and shut up.”
The “spoiled children” of members stereotype is hilarious
There’s a program where caddies keep score for the children of members while they play a shortened round of golf. Don’t get me wrong, most of the kids are polite and fun. But occasionally, there’s a child who just wants to go home, hates everything about golf, and WILL make everyone around them pay for it.
My years as a caddy have been eventful to say the least. It’s not an easy job, and never short of any chaos. It’s taught me a lot about life. I had my last loop a few months ago. So naturally, I blasted Kenny Loggin’s “I’m Alright” as I drove off, waving to the guard at the exit for the last time. Ironically enough, my little brother just began caddying. What’s his name? Danny.
Trump’s Morning Routine
The exhausted Washington sun shines on a dreary Washington morning. After awakening in a bed right by the love of his life, Donald professes his gratitude.
“Oh, beautiful mirror,” he says dreamily, “Look at us. You and I? We’re going to do great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great–”
Twenty minutes pass.
“Great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, GREAT things today. Also, has anyone brought me my three egg mcmuffins and eight hashed browns yet? No? I don’t see it. This is an atrocity! Money is time, people.”
After tweeting angrily about his late breakfast, Donald rocks back and forth six times before being able to sit up properly. Without a single speck of shame, he trudges to his bathroom.
“Now, it’s time to brush the pearly whites! And as everyone knows, white is the most superior color.”
He pushes out the toothpaste onto his brush, a liquified version of Paul Ryan, people clapping when the airplane lands, and Tommy Bahama cologne. The toothpaste is glaringly, painfully white. He looks proudly in the mirror.
“Now we’ll do my special routine for my skin. There’s a reason I look so glowingly handsome. To combat wrinkles, I use youthful, innocent serum for my skin.”
What’s in this container of serum you might ask? It’s a simply mixture of tears from all the pageant women Donald made uncomfortable, soft tufts of fur from faultless animals that Donald Junior shot on hunting trips, and beads of sweat from the underpaid, exploited, working class of America. Find it at a local Sephora near you!
He looks at himself in the mirror at his very bald head, shiny and saddening. “Daily wig maker? Where are you? I’m in no mood to be patient,” he whines.
A man in a theme park uniform quickly enters, pushing a large cotton candy machine through the door.
“So sorry, Mr. President,” he shakily begs, “I had to pick up more blonde powder at the store.”
Donald leans his head into the machine; while the man cranks, blonde cotton candy whisps out onto his head.
“It was sweeter last week.”
“I think they changed the formula, sir.”
The final step of Donald’s morning routine is simple yet vital. In order to achieve his stained orange pigmentation, he has to work his way up to the level of anger that turns him that color. This requires one crucial step–getting angry.
Donald pulls up the Tumblr app on his phone.
“Well screw you, Jerika from Long Island! Your purple hair won’t ever earn you respect anyways. I bet nobody even sits with you during your fifth period lunch. What a LOSER!”
The anger saga is fulfilled by a five minute slideshow of people wearing beanies, SNL writers, and urban outfitters employees ordering iced coffee before their shifts. He shouts, screeches, spits, and squalls until his anger turns him into the infamous, Donald-orange. After that, he begins his day full of hard work. On the golf course.
Saturday Night Live Museum in Chicago Review: The Highlights
Saturday Night Live has always been quite near and dear to my heart; if there’s one thing I’m a nerd about, it’s this show. So, it was truly fitting that I spent my valentine’s day date at a place I’m newly in love with– the temporary SNL museum in Chicago, ‘SNL: The Experience.’ Located at 360 N State St, you’ll find that the tickets are reasonably priced for the inside look at a show with so much history and humor. Here were a few of my favorite parts.
The Full Schedule
Not only are there famous wigs, costumes, and scripts, but each room of the museum serves as a day of the week at 30 Rockefeller Plaza, and shows how the day-to-day madness ensues. It displays where the episode is at in the production process on each day. For instance, Tuesdays include long nights that writers spend hours thinking of pitch ideas for the dreaded Wednesday meeting with Lorne and the host. The Tuesday room had videos of famous writers, like Seth Meyers, talking about this day in particular, as well as a glass case full of scripts from over the years, included some from as early as the 70’s. I was having a moment.
The Glamour
With all the character transformations on snl, it makes for lots of wigs, head molds, and allllllll kinds of props to make the characters look believable. It was interesting to see all the designated elements for the hilarious characters that famous alum used to wear–especially the iconic cone head.
The Costumes
We were joined by all of the classics from snl history at this museum, Stefon’s wedding outfit (YES!), the church lady’s dress (isn’t that special?), and even the suit from Alec Baldwin’s uncanny Donald Trump impersonation. There were so many more that you should check out for yourself because this part of the museum was surreal. I felt like I was entering a forbidden Taiwanese Temple or something. Seriously, it was so cool.
The final part
After visiting a replica of the control room (which also felt very real, there was a countdown board to the special snl episode for museum goers only.) The nutshell SNL episode was short and sweet to sum up the museum, and to send off those just finishing the tour. There were very few other people there when I went on a weekday, so it made this experience even cooler. After the mini show, they encouraged a fun photoshoot behind the recreated ‘weekend update’ desk. I was in heaven. (And I also found my new profile picture for EVERYTHING)
This was by far, the best museum I have ever visited. I only mentioned a fraction of the memorabilia, props, costumes, quotes, videos, set pieces, and snl artifacts that caught my eye on every floor; there are so many more I didn’t mention. It’s funny because we were actually about to do the art institute for the 288343476th time. Luckily, my search recommended this gem, and suddenly there was a day I’ll never forget. In other words, DO THIS WHILE IT’S HERE!
Comedians that Dominated their Decade 1920’s-now
1920’s : Buster Keaton: Known for his physical, slapstick antics, Buster Keaton was the ‘stone-face’ of comedy in the new platform of film. He’s famous for seemingly impossible gags, establishing a new territory of comedy in his era. You can’t take a film class without hearing his name. He’s known for his feature films like The General and Steamboat Bill Jr.
1930’s: Charlie Chaplin: Relying heavily on pantomime and eccentric, quirky movements to convey humor, Chaplin paved the way for experimental techniques in comedy films. He’s known for his works like Modern Times, and The Great Dictator. (Side-note: he’s also infamous for his scandalous life outside of film.)
1940’s: Bing Crosby: Known for his life in comedy motion pictures, as well as music, Crosby took the entertainment industry by storm in his era. He’s known for many comedic films like Going My Way and Road to Bali, especially when he was starring on the silver screen with classic comedian, Bob Hope.
1950’s: Jerry Lewis: As the Paramount comedy star, and former duo member with Dean Martin, Lewis was a thriving entertainer of the 1950’s and beyond. Creating and starring in a plethora of comedy films, as well as being known for his quick improvisational humor on The Martin and Lewis Show on the radio, Lewis seemed unstoppable in his career endeavors. He went on to pursue a solo career, and later directed many films like The Bellboy and The Ladies Man.
1960’s Joan Rivers: One of, or if not the most famous female comedian of all time, Joan Rivers was outspoken, fearless, and hilarious in her glory days of comedy. She pioneered comedy for females, as she was the first female late night television host and paved the way for stand up, igniting laughter with shocking comedy, insults, and witty observation.
1970’s Rodney Dangerfield: Known as one of the greatest names in comedy, Dangerfield has mastered film, stand up, and simply being a hilarious person all around. If you’ve ever heard the phrase ‘I don’t get no respect!,’ you know who to thank. With stand up specials, No Respect and Back to School, and classic comedy films like Caddyshack and Easy Money, and hundreds of witty one-liners, it’s easy to see how Dangerfield rose to the top.
1980’s: Robin Williams: Ah, the man himself, whom we all miss dearly. Williams’ comedic talents of improvisation, mastering impressions and voices, televised comedy and classic comedy films, is famously loved by many. Appealing to practically any audience, his legacy of comedy wins him a place as one of the greatest. Need there be a further explanation?
1990’s: Jerry Seinfeld: What is the deal with him? Inventing the best of sitcom comedy, Jerry Seinfeld is quite literally known as the ‘king of comedy’ by many. Exuding confidence, wit, and an expertise knowledge of humor, he’s the creator of one of the most famous, long-running comedy series. His stand-up specials and screenwriting skills have made him one of the biggest names in comedy.
2000’s: Dave Chappelle: Relaxed, philosophical, clever and brilliantly hilarious–Chappelle takes on broad topics in stand up from politics to sex and drugs, and many more. Creating the Chappelle Show, Half-Baked, and The Dave Chappelle Project as well as hilarious stand-up specials like For What It’s Worth, and Killin’ Them Softly. He’s known by many as one of the greatest names in the history of comedy.
2010’s: John Mulaney: Taking the comedy scene by storm, Mulaney has created three successful stand-up specials (New in Town, The Comeback Kid, and Kid Gorgeous) undertook years writing for SNL, and co-created a new type of cartoon comedy on TV animation, Big Mouth. His aura of gentle, story-telling politeness is part of what ropes each audience in to roaring laughter. His talent in sketch comedy, self-deprecating nature, and surreal humor, are all what make him one of the current top names in comedy today.
An Angry Letter: Baby Boomer Edition
Dear Costco Customer Services and Management,
I’m writing today because I am extremely upset by the terrible service I received by one of your staff members earlier this afternoon.
The young, barely 17 year old cashier will rot in eternal hell for not providing me every damn thing I need. I was SIMPLY trying to make a purchase of 43 items, and return 56 items. When I tried to return the Aveeno lotion that I had used to its full proximity, the cashier, and I still cannot believe this, said ‘no.’ What, like a seventeen year old snowflake is going to tell me no? I don’t think so. So what’s mama’s next move? Calling the manager.
The manager came over, looked at the lotion and said that it “could not be returned whatsoever.” So, after screaming at the top of my lungs and waving my jiggly arms in their faces for a good ten minutes, I calmly settled and had the rest of my items sold.
As I tapped my poorly molded french manicured acrylics on the counter, I watched as coupon upon coupon scanned through the register. Then suddenly one coupon wouldn’t go through, as it was “not a Costco coupon, this is for TJ Maxx, ma’am.” Mmm, trying to play me as a fool? Not today, you’re not. I demanded for it to be put through at top volume, as the tiny, fragile cashier tried to search for a similar coupon online. Forget it.
Then came along my final attempt at bargaining. There was only one of my size of the fringed navy cardigan left and it had a small piece of fuzz on it. That’s right, you guessed it, say it with me ladies, “damage discount!” So as I pleaded my case, that it was clearly obscene for a microscopic sized fuzzball to be stuck onto the sweater I wanted so dearly, they said that there was “nothing they could do.” Truly sickening.
So, I ended off my purchase by telling the cashier that she has no future, no skills, and can’t do the easiest job on the planet. She started crying, which I did feel a little bad for, but that will just toughen her up. Teenagers these days, huh? Such pansies. Anyways. I’m writing to ask for a free lifetime membership to Costco after this incident, as I very much deserve one. If I don’t get one, this is not the last letter you will be receiving from me.
Warm Regards,
Your Least Favorite Baby Boomer
How to be: A Manic Pixie Dream Girl
Here is the official guide to becoming the quirky, dorky, flirtatiously one-dimensional idyllic girl found in many poorly-written romantic movies. Because you? You’re different. You’re not like most girls.
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Dye your hair a vibrant color
Purchase a Twister spin board, and whatever color it lands on, that’s your new hair look. Don’t shy away from Office Max Sharpie yellow or just go full on marinara with that early 2000’s Kate Winslet glam. If you want to be a Manic Pixie Dream Girl, you have to be QUIRKY DAMNIT. No instagram baddies here.
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Wear converse with a dress
It’s because you’re DIFFERENT. Heels? For suckers. For suckers that were nominated as prom queen, in fact. You’re GOOFY and ADORABLE and not buying into it.
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Make no plans for your future
Remember, you’re one-dimensional. Law school? No, no, no.
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Make up songs on the spot and sing them in public places
You’re in the grocery store with your back-story developed male partner and it’s jam-packed. But you’re not a boring, normal girl. You’re spontaneous. Sing about the milk cartons or the magazines. Feel free to embarrass the exhausted, straight, skinny white boy protagonist, but also simultaneously charm him with your playful, oddly attractive vibes. All of this will occur while the cashier just fucking has it because oh my god this couple needs to shut the fuck up I make 7.25 an hour just to check out discount items for these fucking wankers.
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Have a whimsical yet mysterious name
If you’re sporting a basic name like Katie or Emily, delete it. Your name is now either Autumn, Clementine, or Lavender Winterheart. If it doesn’t abide by the bath & body works scent code (season, fruit, or flower) then you might as well be named Richard or Larry.
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Play the ukulele
But make sure you only learn four chords, not full songs, to make sure you disappoint a crowd everytime you whip it out at a party.
There you have it. If you want to be a poorly-written literary trope that caters only to the developed plot line of the male protagonist, attaining these characteristics will be crucial to being a Manic Pixie Dream Girl.
An Honest High School Playbill
Counterfeit West High School Presents:
GREASE
This production was made possible by Director, Sherry Johnson, who definitely needs a drink when this shit show is over, so buckle in. A big thanks to the CW theatre moms who totally didn’t volunteer for the sole purpose that their child gets a lead in next year’s musical. Stop by the bake sale during intermission!
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CHARACTER BIOGRAPHIES
Sarah Beaver: Sandy
As a senior at CWHS, Sarah is thrilled to be the lead, Sandy, in her final stage production. She’s friends with the director on facebook and is also a distant relative. Sarah cannot hit any high notes, yet she will still try, so we advise you to take a bathroom break during Hopelessly Devoted. Sarah will probably get married within the next three years, and doesn’t want to face the fact that it’s all downhill from here. She hopes you enjoy the show!
Chad Michaels: Danny Zuko
Chad is a sophomore at CWHS, and auditioned for extra credit. He’s upset for two reasons: 1) His girlfriend is pissed that he has to stage kiss Sarah. 2) His boys on the baseball team will roast him for eternity after this. He’s nervous and really really hopes he doesn’t accidentally get a boner onstage. His dad is not in the audience, but his mother is definitely recording this. Here’s a quote from Chad to leave the audience with before the show: “Kelly, I’m really sorry.”
Kelly Dicksmasher: the character with pigtails
Kelly is a sophomore. Whatever, you get it, anyways, she wants to say: WHAT THE F*CK CHAD? YOU COULD’VE JUST ASKED MRS. JOHNSON NOT TO STAGE KISS SARAH BEAVER. THIS IS TOTAL BULLSH*T. YOU DON’T EVEN LOVE ME, DO YOU? FIRST XANDER NITZELPICE HELD HANDS WITH ANOTHER GIRL BEHIND MY BACK, NOW THIS? GOOD LUCK FINDING A DATE TO HOMECOMING, BACKSTABBER.
Todd Hirschorn: Kenickie
Todd is. (Deep Breath in) Getting through this. He’s still trying to cope with the fact that random whitey lacrosse boy with ZERO theatre experience walks in and snatches the lead? No, no sister. Todd holds his breath and pictures Shawn Mendes every time he has to stage kiss Cheyenne. He will be the star theatre boy of the local community college for the next three years, and then switch his major to communications.
Chad Michaels
A quick message from Chad: he wants Todd to know that it’s actually Baseball, not Lacrosse.
UPCOMING CWHS DRAMA & ARTS EVENTS
Spring Choir Concert: Don’t go. Sarah has a solo
Student-written Play Night: They’re all half plagiarized and poorly directed
Band Camp Registration Night: Someone WILL get pregnant
Senior Song Night: There’s a 100% chance of two girls singing a duet cover of “For Good” from Wicked.
WE HOPE YOU ENJOY THE SHOW
Words by Emily 